Feeling particularly unstable and anxious today.
I’m going nowhere fast, just like always. I feel like a nuclear reactor about to have a meltdown… but i know that for most of the rest of the world, it would barely seem like a puff of smoke.
I’m screaming inside, want to lash out and destroy everything i can reach…
But i don’t want to let myself do that. I’m not sure what exactly is stopping me. Maybe it’s my dog. Maybe it’s a fear of consequence that i’d rather not acknowledge or provoke. Maybe it’s that i know… or think… that i can actually “take it,” even though it’s enough to sideline me. It’s enough to completely disrupt all i might try to work toward, and enough to require every bit of myself, all of my restraint, all of my will, all of my energy… just to not explode.
I am just so… fucking… ANGRY…
And i get so tired of being told i shouldn’t be. I shouldn’t be angry. I shouldn’t be tired. I shouldn’t be stressed. I shouldn’t be sad. I shouldn’t be upset. I shouldn’t be anything but happy, with a life that is utterly dismal and bleak, which can be calculated out far enough into future, to show me that not just i, but nothing else… will ever be enough of what i want anything to be, for me to be anything but swinging wildly back and forth, from furious to despondent, from detached to overwhelmed…
And i want to channel my passion into something USEFUL, but i can’t. My body is too degraded and damaged, both from injuries (not necessarily self-inflicted), and from years of dejection. My mind and body try to align, and end up taking on each other’s worst traits.
I can’t even explain… what i want to explain, or put it in the words that feel right enough to use.
I’m in that spot, right now, where people go, right before they “go.” That spot where it’s all too painfully clear that the only way anything will ever be “better,” is if everything is nothing. That spot where people say “fuck it.” That spot where we don’t care what anyone might feel, anymore… or anything left undone. Nothing matters.
I can’t be who i want to be.
I can’t be good enough.
I can’t be anyone.
And i’ll tell myself “it’s just because it’s friday again…”
And i’ll try to reconcile adding yet another friday to the long list of days i won’t get back. And i’ll hate it all, until i’m out of energy… and then i’ll drift away into another abyssal haze, in order to detach… and then i’ll think “friday isn’t anything special, it’s just like any other day…”
Just like every other day i couldn’t use… and won’t get back.
Just like every tomorrow that i won’t have a chance to use, before it becomes another yesterday, added to the history i never wanted to write, that only shows that i just couldn’t find a way to enjoy the good things in life.
Just another frenzied friday, as seen through the eyes of a living ghost.
2 comments
Hmmm if you ever get a diagnosis please post I kinda have very similar problem.
I doubt the current understanding of psychology is advanced enough to properly understand and diagnose me. I think that whole realm is filled with people who know far less than they seem to think they do. I think the approach to understanding psychology, is fundamentally flawed. I’ve read so much about how “educated people” think psychology works, that at times, it’s almost as if they are just making things up, in order to falsify credibility of their so-called “profession.”
There are just too many contributing factors to my particular “condition.” It’s part physio, part psycho, part natural existentialism… and while i don’t necessarily identify as a nihilist, i guess i’d technically be that. And, while it seems to be somewhat popular lately, to throw around the term “atheist,” i have to say… i don’t just lack belief, i am against believing in things that obviously don’t exist, and am against false-constructs based on unsubstantiated claims, being the basis for so much of our social and cultural structure. I’m not just an Atheist, i’m an Anti-Theist. I don’t think anyone should believe in a god or gods. I find the idea of theism particularly offensive and damaging. I don’t think it’s acceptable, at all, for large groups of people to shun others for their rejection of an utterly false, fabricated fantasy. Clearly, there is no god. I don’t want to waste my time on such ludicrous ideas, but 2/3rds of the human population are utterly unavoidable, so my time is stolen through the creation of a requirement to navigate the theology abound. I can’t even be part of this world, because too many people base their entire perception of reality, on utterly false things. People are unreasonable, irrational, illogical, primitive beings. It’s not that i want to be compatible with this world… it’s that this world does not want to be compatible with me.
UGGHHHH
It’s like… PTSD from still-occurring exposure to theism. I’ve been surrounded by idiots my whole life, and i can’t take it anymore!
But… the only other option is to be profoundly lonely!