just to damn hard

That must be really horrible to have to live through 🙁
Something similar happened with my dad, and I just wanted to say that your kids don’t want to talk to you not because you’re bad, or they hate you, but because they are angry at the situation and what has happened and how it has affected their life. They’re confused and scared and just want their life to go back to normal, which they know it never will. This is just them adjusting to the situation, and does not by any means mean that they will never want to speak to you again. They need time, to think, to process.
I know things are really hard for you right now, but it can’t be very easy for those young kids either. But what they need from you right now is to know that you will always be around and that you will always love them, even if they are acting like brats or if they’re not talking to you.
If you die, you’ll definitely never see your kids again and will truly have lost them forever… but also, what about the kids? Kids with parents who have killed themselves are 3x more likely to go to commit suicide themselves.
Please, even though you can’t feel the love of your children right now and things seem really bleak, get some counselling and stay in your kids lives, being a consistent presence, and be persistent in openly loving them. Eventually they will come to realise that you’re not an awful person, and you are their dad who loves them very much.
My dad was in the same situation about 5 years ago, my mum accused him of domestic violence and made him leave, and my brother and i would not speak to him after some of the stuff that happened. He never stopped trying to show me that he loved me, and despite experiencing depression and thinking about suicide, he always made a point of being a father to me. And I’m really grateful he did. We speak regularly now.
Good luck with everything, I just wanted you to know that this is not irreversable.
x