I just wonder if anyone else does this? (I feel stupid asking because I’m betting most all of us do so, sorry.)
There are people that I think about – in my head – and it’s like I’m with them and telling them goodbye. I know if I really did it they would try and stop me so, I guess it’s like telling them without them reacting. Like, I just want to say it and convey all the pain without being judged. Most times it makes me cry, too.
Then, I also notice that there are people that I think of and don’t even want to imagine saying goodbye to. Like, I don’t care. I’m not angry at them or anything, I just don’t really care or think much beyond that.
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No, I’m not very formal and I don’t miss people like that. It was never about how I felt. More like ensuring those that count are prepared and not taken by surprise.
Yeah, I get that. There people that I trust and have told and they are (actually) pretty okay about it. I don’t think they want me to but they really do get how much it hurts to stay here.
I guess it’s probably the people that I think about telling are the ones who wouldn’t get it anyway. I’m not trying to justify things to them (in my head when I think of them), I just (like you said) don’t want them to be surprised.
Probably doesn’t matter anyway. Thanks. 😉
It gets everyone down and makes it difficult for people that are struggling to keep it together. I could see what I was doing at the same time it helped because they were supportive. I’m still not bothered about life, instead immerse myself with work, drink, racing and looking out for others.
I plan to do my goodbyes slowly, over multiple occasions. Except for me, I see it as more of an “apology” for what I’m going to do, rather than a goodbye.
For instance, I just got a Mother’s Day card. I am going to write to my mom in neater handwriting than usual, letting her know that I love her. I am going to take my time to make sure my words mean something. My father’s birthday is in June, and I am going to call him and talk more deeply than usual. I am going to try and “make up” for my poor quality of work. I plan to sneak in lots of moments to say, “Thank you, sorry, .”
So rather than one final goodbye, I want to give people a constant stream of final love. It is important for me to let them know that it is not their fault and that they did no wrong. I know this is rather futile in the grand scheme of things, but I just want to be the best person I can be before I leave.
What would you say to them if you could? What does your “monologue” sound like? I’m willing to listen if you just need to release that tension.
Hi glass_music_cup. I get what you’re saying. I do that too – say goodbye a little at a time, whenever I get a chance. The people I know I can’t really tell are the ones I think about / imagine telling in my head. I guess they’re the ones I think would be most upset because they won’t understand. And, I guess when I think of them I say all the right things so that they do understand.
i understand this so much. i always used to think that i will just do the one final goodbye to everyone. but then i think, no. thats not good enough. those people deserve more than that. they deserve an apology. maybe not an explanation because then that just burdens them. i always think that fore knowledge is not good. it will just make them worry unnecessarily.
but then all the people i want to tell and apologize to, are all the ones i think about because they either don’t understand, or they just…idk feel bad.
idk if i’ll ever be able to tell any of them without talking myself out of it. i kind of think maybe just disappearing will be best.
Saying goodbye/I’m sorry is very important to me… but not in person, because they’d feel like they have to “do something.” Hence, the suicide note. It surprised me to find out that only something like 20% of suicides leave one. Hell, I’ve got 13 started on my computer! One generic note didn’t seem good enough. I want to say personal things to different people. Above all I want to make sure that everyone knows it’s not their fault, and there’s nothing they could have done. For people far away, there’s more of a dilemma. Do I send them letters before I go? How awkward would it be if I failed or changed my mind? My email doesn’t have a future-send OR retract option so that wouldn’t work either. Probably best to leave letters stamped and ready to go for some unfortunate soul to have the burden of dropping in the mailbox for me.
I have several on my computer also – hidden and password protected for now.
The people I’ve told will still get an ‘I did it / I love you’ email and some of the unexpecting (who likely have had the thought cross their mind) may or may not get one. Then, there are people like my siblings (parents both dead) that I haven’t spoke to in a year or longer (don’t ask; doesn’t matter anymore) and have no desire to say anything to.
But I know not many people leave notes. I have a book called ‘To Be or Not to Be’ which is a collection of suicide notes. Some are short and pointed and some are long and painful. I love that book (which is out of print, I think).
I think I’d be among the “majority” who will not leave a note. I do plan on emails for co-workers, just to let them know that I appreciated the work opportunity (my contract is up in July). I don’t plan to leave a note for family. I’m just going to convey love over a period of time.
I feel that notes in the grand scheme of things, will not make anything better. It may put me “at ease” for closure, but for the surviving, I don’t know if it will benefit them. I’ve read a lot of stories online and news articles (when trying to decide whether to leave a note) and have come to the conclusion that it really doesn’t give anyone closure. Nobody ever talks about how the note made them feel more at peace or understand. I read about husbands, wives, daughters and friends talking about notes left behind, haunted by what certain lines really mean, why certain things are included/not included like some broken record…and this drives my decision that I will not leave one.
It raises just as many questions as answers. It leaves those not mention wounded. It has those reading it imprinted with lines that will haunt them forever. They may read it over and over, overanalyzing, reading in-between the lines, replaying words and wondering what they really mean. I don’t want to leave such a magnet of feeling to my death. I don’t want something so permanent tied to my leaving.
But for the above who are eloquent–you know those around you best. It sounds like it can be the right choice for some.
@DawgMom I think I’ve seen that book mentioned somewhere on the net. Sounds interesting. I probably wouldn’t care to address people who haven’t been in my life the past year either. I’ve been cutting out the ones that don’t matter. The ones that do…are much more difficult to figure out how to deal with. No real urgency here, though.
@glass_music_cup You bring up some interesting points. I assume that many of those who don’t leave a note act too impulsively to write one beforehand. Or, even if they do think of leaving one, can’t figure out what to say and don’t want to delay themselves any longer so just think “screw it.” But… I certainly wouldn’t want anyone to feel “haunted” by my final words to them. I’ve thought about the being-excluded thing with coworkers… I think if I only write to the ones I’ve known forever the newer ones wouldn’t feel left out. It’s hard to think of not leaving anything at all, knowing what a shock it will be and not offering any explanation. Maybe it should be more vague, though. Maybe there IS something to leaving just one note. Or… no permanent record at all… the person who gets my journals would know more than anyone would ever want to about how I feel :\
Yeah @SadBk, last night, I was driving in the car and thought about the ones I’d leave behind. I started crying and started begging and pleading them for them to please, please forgive me for what I’m doing. I have been trying to think about it too much because I know it will hurt them. I don’t know if anything I say can help. I think a note would relieve personal tension, but I don’t know if it will help a survivor.
I don’t remember the title, but I did some research on the effects of suicide notes on the surviving. I think it was in the Journal of Clinical Psychology. Basically, the findings were that the top reactions to a suicide note was guilt and blame. There are also some other ones, but they were case studies. One was about a woman who fell into a deep depression (resulting in hospitalization) after her sister’s note. Her sister basically made her feel guilty. In the end, she was happy she chose to live, and was angry at her sister (but said she still loved her) for being so jealous/blaming her in her note.
I can’t imagine anyone reading a note and thinking, “Ah, okay, I definitely understand now. Boy, I sure am glad he/she finally killed him/herself.” The truth is that nobody will ever truly understand, or else it would be easy to bring it up right now. It’s too taboo.
P.S. This is just a personal preference. It is mine and mine alone only and I’m not trying to be some sort of nay-sayer. Please know this and know that it is your own decision to make. You know those you love best.
@glass_music_cup Aww. *hugs your crying-in-the-car self*
You’re right, I don’t think anyone would read a note and think “oh good, she was in pain so I’m glad she kill herself.” I really wanted mine to be thoughtful and personal, and to address what I would imagine the other person would be feeling — including the sense of guilt, the “why didn’t I know she felt so bad?” or “what if I had done this or that” feelings. But maybe it’s arrogant to think my notes might be any better than the ones you read about that do more harm than good. How about a note to apologize for and explain the LACK of a “real” note…? Ha!
I’ve been thinking about these anti-note comments and now rethinking the concept. I’ve said goodbye to those who I know would understand – sort of if I really do this I want you to know I love you, etc.
The others, yeah, it would likely hurt them more. Leave them with more questions than answers. So, thanks for sharing, everyone.
If I started telling everyone I love them and how much they mean to me, they’d know something was up and someone would have me locked up somewhere. The other day a good friend of mine was saying she just doesn’t understand why people commit suicide, and I just said it can be tempting when you’re depressed. Very general. But she knows I’ve been depressed and she freaked a little… she asked if I knew what it would do to her and her daughter if I did that, so don’t be selfish… I know she said it out of love so I wasn’t about to get into the whole “selfish” debate with her (both sides are right anyway). I couldn’t say goodbye to her because she would know, and she would do something.
Anyway. Sounds like you don’t have that problem! They’re just resigned to it?
I also feel like it would be expected of me to leave one (if you can have expectations for something that would come as a shock?) because everyone knows I’m a writer. Not a published author or anything, but I’m constantly writing crap.
I have tried to have (my closest) friends be the kind who think like me where death is concerned. Like minded. And, because they are close they have seen me suffer for a long time and they know I’m tired. So, yeah, they’re pretty cool about it.
But, I do know people like your friend too. I’m sorry yor friend doesn’t get you. Hang in there.
Ah, like-mined friends, what a blessing!
It’s okay. Lately she’s been showing interest in what I’m thinking and feeling, I might tell her more… but will downplay the suicide stuff. Honestly it’s not on my radar right now anyway except as a vague comforting coping mechanism, so no need to worry her.