up’s and down’s

so everyone has their ups and downs, i just don’t get why the downs always last longer than the ups?
I was going so well hadn’t cut for almost 2 weeks and than boom out of nowhere the downward spiral begins again, the things that were helping me cope no longer help, I never feel like eating and never really sleep anymore. the only thing I want is the feeling of the blade on my skin and a bottle at my mouth. I feel nothing anymore, just empty and numb, the only thing that makes me even the slightest big less empty is the sight of my blood pouring from my cuts. only one of my friends knows I cut and she doesn’t really know how bad it is. I lie every time my therapist asks how I am or if I’ve ever self harmed or had suicidal thoughts or tendencies, because I don’t want my mum or anyone else to find out, I only cut in places that no one will see, everyone thinks i’m fine and faking it is getting really tiring. I just don’t know what do to anymore, I hate living such a pathetic existence.