I’ve been fine, I can honestly say that the days counting up to the end of the school year I have not been depressed in the slightest and have been looking forward to finding things to do, but I feel depressed again and a bit suicidal and have no direction “why am I living?” if I died there’d be ruckus for a bit but life would move on regardless of how much I would want people to miss me. Thinking like this makes me reminisce because I’m feeling very small and unimportant, I’m was always willing to change myself because I thought how I was at the moment wasn’t  good enough not for other people and not for myself , at one point when I was 13(now 15 ) I wanted  to be wiser for my friends  to help them out with life but one thing I’ve learned is that changing for other people doesn’t make you happy it just wears you out, another thing is I’ve been trying to change but I realize it’s one of my fears and the only reason I fear that is because there’s things in the past that I haven’t been OK with letting go or dealing with and I felt like changing and growing up meant being this person who was going to think they’re always right, I always wanted to stay a kid at heart because to me that’s the best way to dream and be optimistic.

I almost forgot what it’s like to feel so depressed after not feeling like this for a week the feelings crush me and make me feel so awful.