I opt out. As far as it is possible to opt out without ceasing to exist.
I prefer not to believe in truth, in knowledge, ethics. These things stand as provisional constructs in my mind; scaffolds on which I build the arguments I profess and the rest of my life. Belief in these things has utility; very well, I will profess a belief and use it. Having decided to do this at all, I will use everything at my disposal to achieve an outcome some might consider happy.
I would prefer not to believe that people care about me. It makes the inevitable departure easier. I prefer not to dwell on the fact that there may be people I will leave behind. I would prefer not to unnecessarily complicate my life by playing that game, benign or otherwise, where people make overtures and get attached and tear apart.
I would prefer not to have to focus on anything but the distracting numbness of work and my degree classification and my year average. I know these things will make my parents smile and it is a long time since they have had anything about me to be proud of. I would prefer not to think about anything else.
I would prefer not to. But clearly, I do. I would prefer not to care about being contradictory and confused and a hypocrite. I would rather prefer not to (be able to) think at all, but all I can see is red and my brain just won’t shut up.
I don’t know you at all, not really – but yes, yes, yes, do I give a damn. I would prefer not to (because didn’t you say you wished you would die both times simultaneously?) but there is no getting over the answer: yes.