Is this the end?

Right now all I can think of is suicide.  It is drowning me little by little.  It will wear me down until I can’t take it anymore.  Then it will win me over for good.  I don’t want that day to come.  But I just can’t help looking in the mirror and seeing what a disaster I am.  I always question why I am still alive.  My head tells me, ‘Just end this; right here right now you’re not worth shit.’  But then my heart says…

Well I don’t know what my heart says anymore.  There is nothing there.  Everyday my emotions seem to fade away little by little.  Not giving a shit about anything or anyone.  People think I care.  But in a large scale, I really don’t.  People think if I step out line, they can push me back into place.  This time, that’s not happening.  For whatever time I have left.  I am standing up and saying no.  Just fuck off. Let me live my life.  Let me do what I want to do.

I don’t know how to be happy anymore.  I have lost all ability to enjoy life.  It is a hard task for me to wake up everyday and think positively about going onward with my day.  I just want to say to everyone who is enjoying life, good for you.  That’s awesome that you have something to look forward to everyday.  I feel like I don’t anymore.

I feel like my boyfriend is growing distant every day.  I don’t want him to suffer because of how I react to everything.  I don’t want him to suffer just because of how my behaviour has changed to dramatically over the past 6 months of our relationship.  Deep down, I know I love him, but I refuse to hurt him.  I’m at a dead end.  I don’t want to end the relationship, because I really love him.  I just can’t seem to outwardly show it.

It’s becoming too much.