It’s been over an hour since I took 17 of my anti depressants. 15 are supposed to be fatal. I also took a couple a Valium a little while ago so that I would hopefully fall asleep and never wake up again. The first time I’ve ever posted is tonight, though I have lurked before. I’m no kid. I’m a 46 year old mother of 2 kids with a loving partner. But never a day goes past without me wanting to not live on this horrid planet anymore. I suffer from depression but am on antidepressants. If I told my doctors how I feel, they would commit me. I’m terrified how my kids (only 10 and 13) will take it. I feel so selfish. but no-one understands the pain I feel every single day of my life and what a struggle it is just to get through to the day. I am just waiting for sleep to set in…
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A) I think you are discovering why poison is such an unreliable way of killing yourself. There are, according to lostallhope.com, 3 ways of killing yourself that have a > 90% chance of working: shooting yourself through the head with a shotgun, jumping from a considerable height (the more the better but AT LEAST five stories), and lying down in front of a train
B) Lots of people understand the pain you are going through pretty well, and many of those people are therapists (and, no, if all you say is that your life really, really hurts and you really, really, REALLY want to kill yourself, they’re not going to commit you. I’ve had that conversation with multiple shrinks, p-docs, and phychiatrists and have yet to see the inside of a psych hospital for it.
C) I can imagine that you’re pain might be so great that, have kids though you do, you could be justified in killing yourself. But let’s establish one thing: you’re committing suicide is going to royally fuck those kids up, possibly for life. Given that it souds like you haven’t even TRIED therapy, I cannot suggest strongly enough that you give it a try.
I have tried therapy. A number of times over the years. It’s not true about not getting committed if you say you are suicidal. They would not hesitate to section me. Your experience may vary, but here in Australia, you only have to mention that you have had duicidal thoughts and you are sectioned against your will. The only thing that has stopped me in the past 10 years (numerous times before that – sleeping pills, carbon monixide, hanging, slit wrists) is not wanting to “royally fuck up those kids”. But I’m already fucking them up by crying all the time and being short and snappy with them. I’ll be mightily pissed off if nothing happens after taking a medically lethal dose – and anti-vomiting medication!
Hey SadEvie, I think I know a little of what you’re going through. When we get so far gone, to the point that our every day existence is a weight on others, it’s reasonable to think that maybe ending it immediately is better than dragging it out. Right or wrong, at least there’s a logic to it.
I also know the feeling of not being able to tell a medical professional. But maybe being committed would be a good thing? Like haven’t you ever wished you could be hospitalized for a while (for an injury or something) so you’d have an excuse to tell the world “screw you, I’m in the hospital”? I’ll go even further and say I’ve thought of confessing to a crime I didn’t commit, just so I can get locked up away from the world for a while. You seem to hate this crappy society as much as I do. Maybe the answer is to get away from it any way you can.
If the pills fail. Try coming up with another escape. Even if you just mysteriously disappear for a few months, the impact on your family won’t be as bad as death.
Ah, I did not realize you were in Australia, about which I know nothing. Maybe they are quicker to lock you up down under than here in the states.
That, of course, means that I was obviously also wrong about you not having tried therapy. Double apologies here. I just figured that, if you had tried therapy, you’d “know” how hard it is to get locked up for just saying you feel suicidal. Obviously, then, being wrong about that means I’d no base for assuming you hadn’t tried therapy. It’s just that I was sooooo worried about this before I tried therapy (the first time), that I thought that you might be in that same boat. Like I said, I am truly sorry I assumed that now.
All that really stands from my first post is the part about how poor the results are when people try to use overdoses of prescription drugs to kill themselves. According to lostallhope.com, the success rate is less than one in six. That, of course, is for prescription drugs in general, and maybe yours are especially lethal, but unless you can get your hands on cyanide, it just doesn’t seem like it’s going to be nearly reliable enough. It’s going to be hard enough on those kids if you succeed the first time. Success after the second or third attempt just sounds like the worst of all possible world for them.
In the end, all I can say is, fuck, do I ever wish I had a true answer for you (especially since that would likely mean I one for myself). But I don’t. I cannot express how badly I hope that something good comes your way…something that finally lets you beat the shit out of your depression. Lacking that, I wish you a quick, certain, and painless exit and for loved ones to, as quickly as possible, come to understand that you never would have left them if life hadn’t been hell for you.
Good luck.
Well, the pills didn’t work. I spent 12 hours in hospital but am home now. My doctor is going to up the dosage of my antidepressants. I hope that works. (The kids don’t know what happened last night.)