I’ve been coming here / posting for several months now. I’ve read many of your posts and many posts from those who have followed through. I have found comfort and shared sadness. I’ve shared my pain and felt everyone else’s – even if I didn’t always comment. There were many times I wanted to write something but I was just too depressed so, I’m sorry.
I always thought I would leave a note or say goodbyes. I’ve said goodbyes but am no longer certain about a note. What’s the point? Who will really care or moreso, who will I hurt by doing so?
I always thought that when my time came I would go silent. That I would stop talking about it. I’ve talked about it a lot but I think maybe now there’s nothing more to say. Now it’s time to think and choose. Plan and perfect. Be quiet about it.
I’ll try and keep you posted – those of you who are interested – if I can. Maybe I will coward out once again. I hope not.
Peace to all and always.
13 comments
Keep me posted on what goes on, if that’s ok.
brl.cents@gmail.com is my email.
Hey DawgMom. I just wanted to say I enjoy your presence on this site. I wish you peace and I hope we both find it. I’m tired of suffering and just want eternal peace like everyone else here on this site.
Hey I think you’re right. A suicide note would be too hard to prepare especially if it won’t even answer questions people will inevitably ask. And going quietly would be the best thing, as far as I see it it’ll take longer for people to notice that you’re going/have gone. Please keep posting and find peace!
“The debate was wearing me out. Once you’ve posed that question, it won’t go away. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won’t. Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate. Made a stupid remark: why not kill myself? Missed the bus: better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I liked that movie: maybe I shouldn’t kill myself..â€
― Susanna Kaysen
My note simply reads “Do not resuscitate” with my printed name and signature. Sister we’ve been on the fence a good long spell.
In case it helps, I think of Sylvia Plath with her kitchen sealed off head in the oven not knowing whether there might be enough carbon monoxide in the syngas that day. Let us travel well DawgMom and peace be with you.
I have a rather lengthy note written. But after reading it, I knoq the folks who read it won’t understand. They’ll say “oh this isn’t true”, “his problems were temporary”, “he could have gotten better”, or some other nonsense. In other words they won’t really understand my feelings. Maybe I’ll leave it or maybe not.
It takes more than “a note” to explain the choice to end one’s own life.
Whether you write it all, or none of it, or some compromise amount, in-between… one of the major problems is that most people don’t seem to understand, that sometimes, there is just too much to say, and it’s too hard to say it all, just the right way, and even if you can do that, there’s no guarantee that everyone, or anyone, will truly understand.
And whether they do or don’t, is there really any difference? The end is still the end, and knowing the answers to whatever questions might arise, won’t change the absence of that person, who has removed themselves from your life, their own life, and the lives of everyone else too.
They are gone and that’s that. More will go, and it’s just their choice to do so, and we can’t expect those who haven’t been through it themselves, to understand… even if you manage to say or write it all, in the best ways you can.
If you already have something written, you might as well leave it to be found, but understanding that, and regardless of the fact that, it will inevitably be incomplete.
Some people probably don’t deserve an explanation, and instead, would be fittingly left to wonder.
You could, if you wanted, take the time to make an effort to ask those who will miss you, what they think they might wonder, and want to know, once you’re not around to be asked about it anymore.
The thing we can’t avoid, no matter what we do or don’t write, is that people are people, and are the way they are, and will be that way, or some way, whatever way they are, after we’re gone. Some might spend their lives inventing more and more questions for the departed, which will never be sufficiently answered. Some will perhaps simply accept it, and move on.
All i can suggest is:
Before your end, try to enjoy what you can, of what’s left of you.
Well said clevername!
i’ve always thought serious suicide would come without words, goodbyes or explanations. it probably isnt always this way but when someone is really set on doing it, other things just go out the window. I always see it as something that just ‘clicks’ and you do it at such a low state of mind that other intentions are just non existent, that probably doesnt apply to all cases though.
@painman:
It probably works both ways, depending on the circumstances. There is certainly plenty of evidence to suggest that a significant number do leave notes. Some of them leave entire well-crafted powerpoint presentations (onion article i read yesterday…).
I’ve personally considered various points in the spectrum, from “saying it all,” to saying nothing at all.
At this moment, i’m sort of leaning toward something profoundly simple, like “because i said so.” Or “you are not required to understand.” I’m not quite sure yet. I also keep letting myself fantasize about “finding a way” and “getting out of this mess” and “making my life better enough to be worth living.” I guess that’s just the natural progression of things. We hold on until we can’t, i suppose.
I can totally see how it might be likely for certain people to just suddenly feel like the time is right, the time is now, the time is right-now, and just do it, throwing all preconceived thoughts of preparations out the window.
And thanks Reno, for recognizing and appreciating my attempted eloquence and expression.
@Clever: Well, Im speaking mainly about the last suicide I heard of in detail which was the mother of a friend of mine. She did it with basically no warning or anything, just ‘pop’ out of the blue killed herself in her car by the exhaust fumes. No suicide note, nothing. My friend still doesnt know why exactly she did it, he wanders if it was because of him and his brother being heroin addicts .. his dad doesnt know why either.
I think maybe suicide is infact very unique in its ways just like human beings are, some people will do it one way, another person will do it another, maybe it depends on the reasons?
I know that if I was to kill myself, I would want the reasons for my hurt to be known. That would probably lead to a note of some sort. I often thought when thinking of commiting suicide that I would write the reasons for my death on my body and die naked down the beach, that would be a pretty good way of making the reasons heard which would be the main reason for any note.
Right, but what i’m saying is that i think most people go through a process of contemplation before it happens.
I don’t think people are fine and then just inexplicably up and kill themselves.
I think many people are silently suffering, and trying not to “infect” anyone else with their burdens, or, perhaps feel they are unable to share certain information, whether they are just ashamed, or unable to articulate it, or perhaps they do not want to deal with the added complications and hassles of attempting to explain complex things to people who, apparently, do not already understand those things on their own. In order to properly explain some things, you have to go all the way back to the audience’s basis for understanding. You have to start with a premise they might be unwilling to accept, or unable to understand. You basically have to re-explain the entire world, to some people… and that can be quite the daunting task, if it’s even capable of achieving the goals that necessitate it.
I don’t think the spontaneity of the timing correlates to spontaneity of reasoning.
I don’t think people who are otherwise fine, just suddenly kill themselves “out of the blue,” for no apparent reason, without saying anything. Either they’re not fine, and don’t say, or they’re not fine, and do say.
Most people tend to sort of freak out at the onset of things that won’t get better. It’s a huge life-change, when things go from “okay” to “permanently damaged.”
You can adjust and learn to live with certain things. Heavily impacted people often go on to live decent lives. But some get stuck with things that never get better, and only continue eating away at them, until the day some beckon and others dread, arrives; and on that day, it no longer matters what, or if, you write. You realize it’s too late, and probably has been for some time. The illusion is gone, the burdens are too heavy, and there are no solutions available (whether they exist or are otherwise attainable).
Whether there is any “note” or even perhaps a lengthy dissertation, spanning many topics, or a profoundly poignant, poetic final phrase…
The one thing all suicides have in common, is that there is something they can’t change, that is too hard for them to deal with, perhaps impossible… and it is enough that they decide not to remain.
Some people want to live, but can’t.
Some people can live, but won’t.
I do fantasize about leaving a thorough explanation, and attempting to bequeath some sort of sage advice or timeless wisdom… some poetic verbal departure…
But what is most likely is that i will find such a task too daunting, and will probably end up reaching my “moment,” before my perfect ending can be accomplished.
I hate the idea of painting myself into a corner, just so that i HAVE to do it. My life is already doing enough of that for me anyway. I bet if i just wait a little longer, the result will be the same.
For me it’s like… the best option is the one i don’t want.
If you’re going nowhere, would you rather go nowhere fast, or slow?
I get to the point where i don’t even want to discuss it anymore. It’s just all too much.
@clever: yeah I completely agree, I’m not saying people just get up and randomly kill themselves without reasons or thinking about it first though, I just think , as you say, some people might hide their troubles and distress from people which is probably a huge burden just in itself.
‘some people want to live but cant’ – yeah thats very seemingly me.
I’ve been journaling with the intent of someone reading it one day. I’m not sure if my sporadic and confusing thoughts will make it better or worse, but at least everyone can see my inner most thoughts and what led up to my decision to die. I’m only writing a not for one person because she is still innocent and although she may never understand, I want to give her closure.