Everyone reading this, I want you to know that life sucks. I would know, I have been dragged along, trying to fit in only to have someone spit in my face and tell me I’m not good enough, that I am a complete failure at every. single. thing. I. do. I even failed at trying to kill myself. Everything about me is wrong. I used to have friends I could trust, but they turned out to be absolute fakes and turned their backs on me. You know why? All because of one single mistake I made. ONE MISTAKE. All I did was say my friends boyfriend was a jerk and would hurt her. I was looking out for her, and she ends up having everyone turn against me. Granted, she never knew what I went through, and what I still do now, but nobody does. Nobody even cares about me anymore. I am just an outcast, I spend lunch at the library helping put books away, so I don’t have to face anyone. At one point I met this guy, he was so nice and funny and I really liked him, and he really liked me back. I finally felt that I had someone to talk to and I felt happy for once. He asked me on a few dates and we got into a relationship. Everything was going so well, but then he told everyone I was a slut and a whore and tried to have sex with him a week after we got together. It was all a lie, all of it. I felt so used and stupid and idiotic. If they want me to change who I am then they will have a hard time doing it. I may be losing who I am, but I will as close to my original self I can be, until the end. By now I am starting to completely give up. I start thinking about how I could leave this world, maybe I could make it look accidental and drive my car off a bridge, or I could hang myself, but I can’t imagine my parents finding me like that. Maybe I will try pills again, but those failed last time. By now I am even trying to dig myself into a hole, being near those who taunt me, and actually eating at lunch at a table. Maybe I am looking for motivation to do it, or maybe I want them to feel horrible looking back at how they treated me before I left this world. I am planning on the last words I say to everyone. They won’t know those will be my last words, but I will. Who knows, it could be anytime now, when I finally snap. I am starting to come to peace with the fact I won’t be coming back when I make that decision. It will be over, for me at least. But for everyone else, they will live on, and I would just be forgotten over time, even by my parents. Eventually the pain of me dying will soften and fade until it is nothing.
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Hmm drive a car off a bridge. There’s probably something wrong with me, but that sounds pretty good to me right now. I’d be tempted to toss in a lil flair. Ideally a bomb in my trunk like with anfo or maybe a pair of 10gal diesel tanks with a road flare for ignition. What I’d go for is one of those action movie fireballs on impact. Or loading up all my passenger seats with well dressed mannequins sounds good in lieu of a fireball. Or both.
I just don’t want to end up alive, but unable to function, that is my only worry about some of my options
I’m very comprehensive, would you like some tips to kill yourself?, this is what I’ve been planning, I wanna die this way: an empty room, I’m sitting in a chair , behind me (on the wall) there’s a draw of angel wings and an halo made with blood, I’m poisoned
IT would be great,like art, don’t you agree?
Hmm I posted about this earlier: “Vegetative State as an Acid Test.” It’s a long post with a dozen comments. Basically if your current life is better than being a vegetable for awhile until someone unplugs you, then you shouldn’t try to kill yourself.
Don’t worry what’s the rush? Each morning we can ask ourselves if we’d prefer to be a vegetable, or try another day in our shitty life. If not vegetable then business as usual. If vegetable then it’s probably okay to get a plan going and kill ourselves. Rule of thumb is generally wanting to kill ourselves for at least 3 days in a row though.
Its not that being a vegetable would be a step down so much as me being more of a burden and having to face the fact that not only will I have to go through therapy again, but I may still be alive, when I obviously wanted to die. I have thought for many weeks and wanted to die, but the fact of how to go about it is mind rattling to me.
Yes I’ve thought about partial brain damage as a risk to myself too. I guess in that case they’ll put me away for a little while. When they lemme out I assume that I’ll resume asking myself the Vegetative State as an Acid Test each morning. Assuming my life is equally shitty or even worse, then of course I’ll probably get another plan together and give it another go ad nauseum until I’m dead.