When you run out of distractions… money, friends, work, survival… What reason is there to live? I have 2 modes: busy and suicidal. There is nothing in between. Based on that, I can say whenever I’m not busy I’m suicidal. Or whenever I’m not engaged in some distraction that keeps me from thinking, I realize (remember) that there is no real point in being alive. I suppose life itself is the grand distraction, making us forget the reality of emptiness that awaits us all.
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couldn’t agree more
I only have two modes as well. When i finally get a chance to relax I remember how pointless life is and the suicidal thoughts start again…
100% Agreed, My doctors tell me to stay busy, but then, what is the point. busy OR suicidal, I want the permanent choice. “Get busy living or get busy dying”
Glad I’m not the only one, although it sucks for us. So what’s the solution… stay busy and trudge through an artificial life? Or cut to the chase and end it all? I guess that’s the million dollar question. I’m brewing a bigass pot of coffee so, today at least, I guess I’m choosing artificial stimulation and back to life.
Dear Cyanidesofmarch, I’ve been reading your posts and they really hit home, my exact feelings as well. Maybe we can chat. Misery loves company 🙂 I’m near SF, CA.
yeah, this is definitely me also.. 🙁
@xylem haha, just the word “relax” fills me with dread because I know it means the mental pain will come rushing in. I don’t know how anyone can bear it for long
@shadowclone welcome to the club, another victim of pointless life 🙁
@ctb wow I would kill to live in SF. I’m stuck in the armpit of the usa, that filthy corridor between NYC, Philly and other hellholes. I’ve always wanted to go to SF for no other reason than to stand on the Golden Gate Bridge and honor those who have done what I’m too afraid to do.
Weekend and holidays even as I look forward to them in the back of my mind there is a knowing that the dark thoughts lie in wait.
Tthere have been many studies done on the dread of leisure and weekends
They even have a term for it “Leisure Sickness†and I’ve heard of others
If life is the grand distraction, its a fairly elaborate one. Could it be, there’s something in it worth being distracted by?
I don’t think this Is an uncommon phenomenon. Stay busy 🙂
@left “Leisure sickness” I like that. You said it, I can always feel the dark thoughts lying in wait. I’ve gotten in the habit of taking sleeping pills at night and working like a madman until I literally pass out. That way the dark thoughts can’t catch me in my bed. At least not til morning 🙁
@becky That’s a good question. If we get right down to it, I *do* believe life has a point, but I just happen to agree with it. In a nutshell, my philosophy is that the universe is like a big machine, and we are each tiny parts. The machine runs because everyone is too busy doing their job to question what this machine is all about. After a few decades of suffering, I’ve decided I don’t care what the machine is doing, I just want out. I wish I could latch on to a greater purpose, but I’m just sick of how lousy things are.
When you reach and end to your requirements, or at least temporarily fulfill them all, leaving yourself with spent distractions and time…
That’s when you just sit and think… and then let go, and just not think… and enjoy the few moments of “freedom,” in which you may contemplate just who your “self” might really be, beneath the layers of shit this world has stacked upon your brow.
I would bet that most would find themselves unsure of just whom they really are… and likely surprised at the truths that remain hidden within our “inner shadow,” until we seek them out. Most of us will find that we are not who we pretend to be, and not even who we think we are.
Let it all go, and ask yourself: “what do i want?”
Spend all of your free personal time asking yourself that, until you figure it out.
At least then, when the end comes, you’ll know whether you got it or not.
If you’re lucky enough to figure it out early or soon, then don’t ever forget it. Cut away everything else that’s weighing you down, and get away from everything that holds you back, or tries to divert you from the path toward what you want.
If necessary, be a total asshole to anyone who gets in the way. Who cares? Get what you want. The rest doesn’t matter.
And if you can’t get what you want, decide whether there’s anything good enough from what is available. Learn to know better. With a better understanding of cause and effect, learn to better predict your future. If you predict a future you don’t like, then it’s very likely that you need to change something you’re doing, or not doing, in order to adjust for the path required for your desires.
Do what you want, to get what you want, even if you don’t really want to.
Or… just sit and savor the passing time; like money, it must be “spent” to express its value.
“When there are no more distractions…”
Counting the seconds as they tick away, out of the way, between us and our ends… knowing those past seconds, minutes, hours, days… won’t have to be waited through again.
Compared to what we know Could be… sitting around waiting to die, just sucks.
But at least each moment is only lived, or not lived, just once.
Closer and closer, the end draws nearer.
If your world isn’t crashing down around you while rapidly increasing and accelerating your suffering… then there’s really no reason to rush.
What do you do when you realize what you want, but it’s just not possible? I’m not talking about winning a million dollars or anything superficial, but for example what if your greatest desire, and only true desire, is to fix human society so nobody has to suffer the way we do?
That is an impossible task. There are many impossible tasks out there, and many of us are cursed with wanting them. The more you try, the more you learn that you are falling further from your goal.
So we busy ourselves trying to accomplish it, like a drowning person who closes his eyes so not to see the immeasurable distance to shore. That’s the only way he can keep swimming. Why? Why swim at all? If he ever stops to look at the land, he will realize how pointless it is to try getting there. But so many of us keep swimming. I keep swimming. I must be the biggest idiot on the planet.