Hey guys,
it´s been a while, but obviously I´m still here. And I just need to speak my mind. Can´t do that at home. Nobody is listening anyway. Truth is, I´m thinking about going public with what happened to me…
A long story I try to cut short.
My father built his house on the same ground as my grandparents. Just imagine two houses with one entrance and one garden. A large garden to be honest, and a beautiful place for a child to grow up. It was a little like living in some fairytale. I always loved to hide under the twigs of an old hazelnut tree… However…
My father loved his younger brother, who was always their mothers darling. Dear uncle moved from one part of Germany to another, never stayed long and never cared about anything. He said, he never wanted the house, not the garden, nor anything. So when financial problems occured in Germany, my dad made an agreement and paid him his share in their inheritance. And probably more, because my dad was a gentle soul and always did everything possible to make others happy and to help them whenever possible. Dear uncle agreed and took the money, yet they never signed before a notary. Daddy simply never thought it necessary.
Then my father died all of a sudden the age of 48 years. Heartattack and stroke. Three weeks coma. He called me saturday morning, asked me to come by and to call an ambulance. He told me some weird stuff about a cold he had caught. I wanted to believe it. But I had a strange feeling. When they took him to the ambulance car, I felt the dire need to tell him “I love you, dad.” but I couldn´t spit it out. I simply couln´t. I don´t know why, and I feel horrific about it. I was so stuck behind my wall of defense. I was all caught up in never letting anyone see who I truly felt, that I couldn´t say it. Instead I say: “Don´t worry, I´ll take care of everything.”
These were the last words, I said to him. And they haunt me.
Well, the end came as expected. My dad died. And trouble started.
By that time, my uncle had bought himself some poor brasilian girl looking for a better future. I can´t blame her. She had grown up in a favela. I had probably done the same – looking for a wealthy western guy, marrying him and giving him children as soon as possible. I don´t blame her.
Dear uncle agreed to give up the house to keep his money. We should have agreed that time. Even if it had ruined us. When I say “us”, I mean my mother and I. This was merely two years ago.
By now, dear uncle has changed his mind. He has a daughter now – poor creature, she had better died as her sibling from the first miscarriage. No child should ever be looked in a room with him. Especially no girl. I hope, her mother keeps her save, but I don´t think her strong enough to – and needs money badly. So he remembers his niece. And he wants to steal away every last bit of what my father spent his lifetime building up. He wants to screw my life up again. I think its his kind of revenge, because I told him “no more!”.
I won´t let him. I promised my dad. But I don´t want anyone to know about my past. I don´t want to sit at court having everyone watching me while deciding if I lie or not. I don´t even know if it turned out allright. If I can save my childhood home. I admit, I´d love to his face when his wife leaves him with the girl. I love to imagine, what her brothers would do to him if they knew he invites little girls into his bed The same bed he fucked their sister in. I can´t have this justice. Here in Germany right and justice are two very different things. Here the survivor is treated worse than the culprit. But in my dreams I love to conceive every detail of the scene…
I admit, now I want revenge. Now I want him to suffer. Some years ago I was fine with him walking away and never showing up in my life again. I was good with building everything anew. Entering university was like a step into better life. In Asia I found rest. I found peace. The same peace I discovered in a pair of ebony eyes when I was so young. I locked everything up so deep inside my heart, I thought I could forget about it.
But he doesn´t stop. He forces himself in my life ever and ever again. Until he completely destroys me. Part of me wants this battle. Part of me wants to take up arms and to take the fight to him. I´m so sick of enduring. I am no fucking victim.
But I´m my father´s daughter still. If I see a lawyer and open Pandora´s box, who can tell what spills out? What about my mom? She isn´t taking the whole stuff well. I´m not sure she could stand it. It would probably kill my granny. I feel responsible for this family, for what is left of it. I don´t even know why, but that´s just the way it is. I know it´s insane. But I made my dad a promise… Can I break it? Can a whore have honour? What is an oathbreakers merit? And most important, can an oathbreaker be believed? Can I hope for a judge to believe a childwhore, who never spoke up? Even in this situation? Or will they tell me: “You are doing it for the money, ´cause you loose your inhertance to him.” I couldn´t stand having him walk free and being branded a liar. Again. Yes, I was raised to lie. My whole childhood over. I had no choice, I had to cover everything up. Why is hiding tears a lie? Why is protecting your parents considered a lie?
Gosh, I don´t understand this world. Please, if anyone out there read this whole post and has an aswer, I need advice.
Please.
3 comments
You’re in university now, so that’s a start to getting away from all of this. But in truth it is near to impossible to break all family ties. You told your dad that he needn’t worry and that you’ll take care of everything.. and I think you will.. but maybe not as straightforward as you think. (Also, I’m sure you father was a lot happier knowing that everything is going to be okay because you’ll handle it.. the “I love you part” – well he would have known all along).
Your uncle seems to be doing “well” despite his habits.. so I suppose you should just let him be (because your father really cared about him).. and just make sure his “victims” are okay at the end of the day.. and lend them a hand if they’re not. Obviously, you don’t like your uncle, but you can’t get away from him either.. perhaps try to treat him like any other stranger you come across in the street that you don’t like – only respond when necessary, don’t act intimate (conversation-wise too), and leave as soon as possible without seeming impolite.
In a few years, you’ll be out of university with a degree and most likely a job with a steady income.. by then you can probably get your own place and perhaps invite your mum to stay with you (if she isn’t already away from your uncle).. and perhaps in the future you can get your family’s house back again (wasn’t too clear if you meant that your uncle left the house to you or sold it on behalf of your family)..
With respect to exposing your uncle as a womaniser.. you’re going to have to think about.. the people you are protecting – the children or your uncle? ..if you can provide sufficient evidence ..and your promise to your dad about taking care of things.. ultimately, you should do what you think is right for you. To be honest, most families will have secrets that the next generation take upon themselves to protect through lies.
Probably wrote a hell of a lot of bad ideas here.. but I’m sure you’re wise enough to filter out the things that don’t apply to you.. I’m sure you’ll figure what is best for you and your family’s future.
Many things you say are good advise. Thanks for that about my dad. Makes me smile.
But let me put some other things right, ´cause obviously I didn´t make myself clear enough. First, he is no womaniser, he is a rapist. I bet everything, that one day he´ll force himself on his daughter as he did on me. I cannot ignore him like some stranger on the streets. Because I remember very well, what he did. And I know he´ll do it again.
Second, if he has his way, he gets everything making my mom homeless and putting me in huge financial depts. I don´t want to be ruined by the age of 30. Not because of some thief, who thinks himself above justice.
He took my childhood, I´ll not have him take my future.
Well.
Ms. Lone Wolf, i believe you have answered your own question.
Do what you must, to protect what is yours, and what is Right.
Spend time organizing your thoughts into a coherent and cohesive statement, that is as truthful as you can make it. Once you have it all recorded to the best of your abilities, think on all this for a while, and try to make sure you’re not overlooking or omitting anything important. Try to have the most realistic expectations as you can discern about what will occur. Then, do what you must.
Sometimes, in order to do what’s right, to protect ourselves and others from imposed detriments, we must choose: us or them.
It’s not going to be fun or easy or pretty. It’s going to be very rough. But in doing what you know is right, you will at least know that you took corrective actions against a set of circumstances you did not deserve, and would never have chosen.