I dont think i realise how much i hate myself untill last night .  I drink too much , i sleep around, i have hack my arm over and over last night there was so much blood i thought i might actually die but im still here and that i can tell you is the worst part. I want out not in the way i want to actually talk to someone or some shit like that but in the actually i want my heart to stop beating. I want cancer, i want a disease that will kill me. I want the pill to actually work, i want my scars to actually mean the end. I want out and i know that selfish but i really do. living and being me are the hardest things i do. Most people think im a joke and i am. I forget im real and the things i do affect people. I live my life floating over myself watching the mess i become the joke i am wondering how much longer how much do i actually have,  how much harder do i have to try to kill myself why cant i just end. I hate this. I really hate myself ,i cant stand it. No need to reply i think i just want to see the words.