I just wanna rant about nothing for a bit.
I think the worst part of me is my anger. I don’t like feeling sad, and I’m just not comfortable with it. I still feel depressed, but I never express my sadness unless I’m behind closed doors. Even then I don’t like crying. I feel like it damages my masculinity….even though I’m a girl… but that’s not the point.
Instead of showing sadness, I show one of the only emotions I am comfortable with; anger. I’ll punch walls, throw books (which usually only happens when it has a bad ending), and and kick things. I’ve even broken a teacup by throwing it on the ground. I don’t usually take my physical anger out on people. I used to, but inanimate objects don’t feel anything. So, usually it’s objects or myself that receive it.
When someone comments something bad or judgmental about my friends or family(no matter how messed up either parties are) on a social network (instagram or Wattpad for example) I have to stop myself from going off on them. I’m not a good person to fight with, because I’m really good at being foul. I grew up in foster homes, so I got  a lot of practice. Foster homes aren’t that bad, but I got stuck with some real shit heads.  That’s why on posts, if someone is being rude or ignorant, I just stay out of it. I don’t pick fights, but I will get involved if I really feel the need to.
Well, that’s verbal fights, anyways. I used to get into A LOT of physical fights. I’ve since gotten myself under control, but I used to be like the Hulk. I would fight, and not just in boxing either. Like, I got in a fight with a girl from soccer who tripped me ten times in one game, and then criticized my playing skills and started saying how I was an idiot to even try out for a team. I didn’t hurt her that bad, just disoriented her a bit and hit her in the stomach. I also fought with a guy from school. Let’s just say that when you call a girl a slut and a pill popper for a month straight and then you ask her out, you should expect to get clattered. Oh, and not just call her a slut, but call her a slut AFTER trying to shove your tongue down her throat. They say no means no, and if you don’t get the message, you get a black eye and a knee to the nuts. Just saying. And I don’t do it to random people. You have to understand. The girl from soccer calls me dyke on a regular basis and talks trash about me all the time. And the guy does… all the stuff I mentioned. I know it’s a bad excuse, but I don’t want to think of myself as a horrible person.
ANYWAYS, back to the point. I’m not sure if this even has a point, but whatever. I’ve never gotten caught in an actual fight. And I don’t plan to, because I don’t fight anymore. It’s sad because that means that I don’t get to box much, but that’s ok.
I am truly ashamed at how I used to be. I look back and I’m like “What the hell was I doing,” but I still say that about my current self.
Sorry, I’m really scatterbrained right now. I just went on a pointless tangent, so that’s my sign to stop. Sorry for wasting your time.
5 comments
For me, the worst part of anger is the after-effect, the back-swing, the come-down. Every time i get angry enough to provoke a physical surge of aggression, once it dissipates, i feel… at least 10x more depressed than i did before i was angry. It’s the contrast between the two disparate emotions, that just… sucks.
Aside from that, my body literally revolts, and i feel an agonizing sick, ill feeling, when i get angry. It feels like i’ve been poisoned… which makes me even more angry, which makes me even more depressed, and i just want to lash out and obliterate whatever caused it, and then myself, so i won’t have to endure the after-effects even once more.
I used to be good at “channeling” or transforming my anger into constructive action, but i’m worn out, burnt out, and i cannot physically tolerate that burden anymore.
So i try to avoid anything that i know will anger me, and anything that i think might anger me. If it’s unavoidable, then i try to manage it as best i can… but some things and some people just push my buttons and instantly send me to that place where all i want is to destroy everything i’ve ever known to exist, including myself.
And yet i manage to practice restraint, and not do fucked up things “just because i’m angry.” I often spend the fury on plotting the most “worthy” revenge plans… and then laugh them away as i feel a sense of satisfaction, just knowing that “if and when,” i would know exactly what to do, to /really/ get back at someone.
And then i remember to stop wasting time being mad about something i can’t do anything about, and am not quite ready to throw my life away in pursuit of revenge against an idiot who probably won’t even appreciate their own agony.
When i get angry, i feel the urge to “go hulk mode,” and so i do the opposite: sit still, don’t smash anything, and think… and try to remember to breathe… and weigh the cost of reckless action versus the value of preservation of self. It’s easier and cheaper to just do nothing.
When i was younger i used to break stuff and hit things… but i broke some stuff i liked, and realized that inanimate objects don’t feel pain when you break them, but your fist does when you break a knuckle punching things. And then it takes forever to heal, and hurts when you move it certain ways, or when the weather changes, for the next several years…
So yeah. Anger sucks. Don’t hit things. Don’t latch onto the anger and poison yourself with it. Either turn it into something useful, or let it go. No use carrying it around. It’s never hard to find, and there’s always plenty available, if you ever need it.
I used to wonder which was worse: anger or sadness?
And my conclusion was that at least anger is useful to create motivation, energy, and action. Sadness just sucks. But then again, anger hurts pretty bad sometimes, and can push us into actions we should avoid. I really dislike both… but happiness isn’t an option, so i strive for neutrality. The less i feel, the better.
Yeah anger is a raw emotion. You feel it in the moment and sometimes it goes away as quickly as it came… others not so much. I used to punch walls and break things as a way of venting also but sometimes like Clevername said you only end up hurting yourself. My anger these days is usually aimed at myself…I don’t even think I could be angry at anybody else these days because my most, if not all, of my anger is taken out on myself. I find different levels of anger trigger different responses in me…If I’m a little annoyed I pretty much will take it on the chin but when pissed the fuck off? To where I feel a hot flash of fire in my body that’s the scary kind. The kind where people snap and have a lapse in judgement and do something they regret. My response to that type is to directly attack the person involved by any means and without regard for personal safety. Most times, it ends up badly because anger like any other emotion subsides and then you have to face the consequences and the fact that you can’t redo your reaction makes it worse if they are severe.
Oh hey! Yes I do speak a bit of gaelic ;D urm anyway don’t get angry and hurt me :L
You said it, sleepless: anger feels so much more comfortable than sadness. I think it’s because anger gives us a surge of power while sadness strips it away.
Personally, I think anger is a good thing. Going back to what clevername said, it’s all about channeling it. For example, once I came home in the middle of the night, drunk and pissed off (over what I have no clue), and I ended up stealing a barrel full of asphalt from a construction site down the street, hauling it back (on foot), and paving a giant pot hole in the middle of the street that had been bothering me for months.
That’s one of the few times my anger amounted to anything satisfying.
Other times I’ve gotten pissed at something I’ve seen in the news, and I’ve actually made a decent effort at fixing it (writing to politicians, calling agencies, starting petitions, etc) which was all 100% motivated by rage.
But again, like clevername said, it burns out out. Even if we learn to channel it, anger is like jet fuel running through our veins and eventually the machine will break down because it’s not built to take it.
Still, I think a (somewhat) productive but short life motivated by rage is better than a long, pointless life of feeling sorry for oneself.
Next guy who gets out of line with you, give him an extra knee in the nuts for me.
@cyanidesofmarch hah, will do. Sometimes, perverts need to be hurt.
And For some reason, channeling anger doesn’t really work for me. I usually mess it up and get even more mad. I just end up breaking stuff. I’ve even punched a mirror. Don’t punch a mirror. As you can imagine, it hurts like hell.