Depression is really killing me

I have been searching for a long time on the internet looking at various suicide sites. The only posts that really touched me were those that aptly depicts the tough period and the struggles that we have to go through to fight this. It isn’t easy at all. It is such an invisible illness with such heavy social stigma, yet it eats you away bit by bit, or in large chucks I think during really really low periods.

I have been trying my best to fight this but I cannot when I grew up in an environment that makes me depressed and still does every single day. Being alone – I do have acquaintances, colleagues, friends etc that I can talk usual stuff or family stuff, but not this – is really tough. I yearn for someone to hug me and say:” everything will be ok. you have me by your side.” But unfortunately I don’t. Over 30 years have passed and I am tired, honestly very tired of trying to pull through everyday myself.

Life loses meaning to me. If I hadn’t set a deadline to carry out my suicide plans 2.5 years back for the next upcoming 2.5 years to be over (a 5-year plan), I think it would have been difficult for me to pull through.

But today, at the mid-point of this 5-yr plan, I could feel the first deep trough, the first deep wave of depression that tells me to give up. I still have 2.5 yrs to go to try to make some of my plans come true. And I truly hope I can get some positive energy to get through this. How am I going to pull through the net 2.5 years when the next one hour is so bad?

As I typed this tears just kept flowing. Only someone who suffers from depression will understand how the other person feels. If I have the power, I would really wish I have the power to banish this invisible illness away from earth.

I am sorry to post such a long rambling post.. but the objective of me posting a post here is to find a suicide buddy. Before the day I die, I wish there is someone to travel around some places with me. To enjoy the last leg of my life before I end it off.

If you are willing to wait for me for 2.5 years, and also sincere in carrying out your last death wish at a beautiful place please email me.

Thanks if you have read to the end of this post.