When I cheated, he bit me and scratched me.
When he bit and scratched me, I took pictures.
When I found those pictures tonight, I told my boyfriend.
When I told me boyfriend, he got upset.
When he got upset, I hated myself.
When I hated myself, I carved words into my skin.
I carved “Slutty” over my pubic region, to tell anyone who goes down there that I am slutty scum.
I carved “Give Up Already” into my thigh, a little message to myself.
I want to give up. I want to finally lose every ounce of my will to live so I can finally kill myself. I’m tired of stopping myself with the belt around my neck, or the bag over my head. I’m tired of cutting my legs and shoulders until my razor is dull, instead of just slicing open my arm, wrist to elbow, and hanging myself just to make sure the job is done.
My boyfriend and I have been doing great for the last couple weeks, having happy little dates and making love. The love making is purely bliss. We made love in the past, and it was so amazing it brought tears to my eyes. But that was rare. Now, every time we have sex, we’re making love instead of just fucking. And I appreciate that… but then I remember the sexual activities I did with that other guy, and hate myself for it.
I did not want to carry on that affair as long as I did, and I told that guy. But I’d come over to hang out, just as friends, and he would start something…. I’ve been raped, and it made me softspoken when I don’t want something to happen… I’d say no, but only a couple times… then I’d just give up, and let him have what he wanted… I hate myself. I disgust myself.
2 comments
We all make mistakes. To be raped is a violation of not only our bodies but who we are as a person. Be gentile with yourself. You feel guilt, it is a good thing because you are not heartless, you cared about this person and you hurt him. Hurting yourself will not undo what you have done. Neither will telling him.
So many people cheat it doesn’t make it right but it is not something so terrible either. You had reasons. The guilt you feel you would do anything to get rid of. Guilt is there to remind us we can do better next time. Don’t let it rule your life.
Understand what you feel, forgive yourself, and don’t let yourself back in that situation where you can’t stop it from happening again. Promise yourself you will be better. If you slip, dust yourself off and repeat.
You have value.
Im so sorry I hope it works out between you and your boyfriend