I have searched high and  low for some reason to keep alive. I have…  but the only thing I keep finding are these self-delusions that are elaborated to keep living, to just stay alive. I mean I don’t have anything against doing these supposedly lowly jobs or exalted world-saving duties. There are those who say God gives their life meaning, those whose are serving humanity, those who simply have jobs that pay for their lifestyle and of course those that go along with the flow, no fking clue what or why and I belong to this last group, no doubt.
Its not that I’m hopeless, I’m far from that. I’m college student, not from a rich background, but nevertheless well off. I’ve never had anything handed to me, and I’ve worked my ass off to get where I am. But I never once asked myself why or what. I was bred to be an engineer or a doctor PERIOD. I’ve had Asperger’s and even though I had friends, I never made any real connections. I came close but I just can’t bring myself pour my soul out to anyone ( at least not in person, duh ).
I have delusions of grandeur. Â I treat life like an all or nothing gamble. I can’t do the mediocre thing, I don’t even know what the not-mediocre thing is and even working for a life I have no idea about scares the shit out of me.
I have a bad case of the depressions and I am not taking any medication for it. I have stopped working and studying for a long time now and I am going to end up screwing everything Everything. I just read these books from Heidegger to Cioran and I can’t continue living.
My life is stupid. I am stupid. I just can’t go on.
2 comments
If you’ve stopped working and studying, you’re not taking any medication, and you feel that you can’t go on, this might be the time to reach out for some help. I was in a similar situation last year in which the darkness was clearly winning… and I was going nowhere very fast. Once you start to fall into depression’s hole, it’s easy to start a freefall.
You are undoubtedly capable of more than you give yourself credit for. There is plenty of time ahead to study and work… and to do so successfully. First, it’s important to not give up on yourself. You are your best ally.
Hank, I can relate to you a LOT and from your post I feel I am in the same boat as you entirely. I don’t have a solution for you, but I can tell you that you aren’t alone.
Life feels so pointless to me, especially a life of mediocrity that so many seem to content with. At most they ***** about it from time to time, yet take zero action on bettering themselves.
Sometimes I feel like I need to stop trying to be so perfect, and just allow myself to be happy. But it’s just not easy for me to do.
I still don’t know why I persist, but (trying to be optimistic) I hope one day I’ll figure it out. In the meantime I keep learning about anything that catches my interest.