A week ago I was kicked out of my mothers house by her and her boyfriend because I finally told her that I plan to move in with my elder sister, who my mother hates (she isn’t her mother though). Â So all in one afternoon I packed what I needed and I got out…. in the back seat of a cop car I had never felt so free.
That freedom continued for a few days until the other night I got home from work and I cried. I hated it so much that it made me regret moving here, not that I had anywhere else to go after my mother kicked me out. I’m 2 hours away from my friends and this guy who I am completely stuck on. He’s two years older than my 18 and he is smart and funny and he is weird. I like that about him, he is weird and doesn’t deny it. And he likes me too, we told each other about the way we feel and from there it didn’t change much. We continued to flirt everyday we saw each other and then the night before everything hit the way he came to take me home from work. I had a bad end of shift so I hastily clocked out and stormed out into the side lobby where I fell into a booth and kept myself from crying. He came over to me and sat down and for almost an hour we sat there and just talked. He had my number and later after he dropped me off at home I had his. The first thing I texted him the next day was “so last night was probably the last time you will see me for a while.” Â It’s safe to say he was upset, so was I.
A few days later he admitted he was planning to ask me on our first date before I left, and that made me happy…. I also cried. He said he might make the 1.5 hour trip to visit me while I am in college to take me on a date. That idea lifted me up. But yesterday morning he told me something tragic. One of his buddies committed suicide while in prison, that was his second friend to do that in two months and I wanted nothing more than to be there face to face with him to just hold onto him, prove to him that not everyone he cares about is going to leave him. That I care, that I want to be there to care and to hold onto him whenever he needs someone. I know I am my own mess and l have so many issues, but I really want to be there for him.
But I don’t know how to act around people, it was different with him at the beginning and now that it is always the same it is hard. But I refuse to give up. I refuse to leave him behind. I won’t be number three. I need to learn to breathe.
I think it is finally time to start making final plans for my first tattoo “Breathe In, Breathe Out” placed on the back of my neck. I need something permanent that will always remind me.