I wasn’t supposed to come home. My deadline is approaching and I have no opportunities left. I didn’t want to reach the age 16 but my birthday is less than two weeks away. And then school starts. And then as stupid as it sounds, I won’t have time to be suicidal. FUCK.
Story time:
I just returned from a family trip in Europe. We visited a bunch of cities and I thought maybe one would have a building I could throw myself off of. No such luck. I had only one chance but I couldn’t do it. I was in the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam, Holland. The building is square shaped and the staircase sticks out toward the center of the building. At the top floor where the stairs stop, there is an extra balcony that sticks out. I walked out on it and looked down. It was definitely high enough that the fall would have kill me. But I looked around and I saw all the hundreds of people admiring the fucking art. No one noticed me – it would have been so easy to throw myself over that fucking balcony. But something about it didn’t feel right. I thought to myself “This is wrong. I can’t do it like this.” So I stepped back and avoided the balcony until I left the museum.
I made the decision that I can’t go out jumping. At least right now I can’t. I think the only way I’ll be able to go through with it is with a gun. Guns are simple but there’s no way for me to get one.
Conclusion? I’m still depressed as fuck. I still want to die but I can’t seem to be able to. I don’t know what the fuck to do with myself so I’m just going to keep “living” my boring-ass life as I usually do.
10 comments
May I ask why do you feel depressed? I can’t give a proper response until you declare the reason behind your feelings but for now the following will suffice. Are you being beaten? abused by your parents? Do they neglect you? Has something tragic happened in your life that you can’t seem to get over? I ask these questions because you are young and many times young people (under 18) tend to make illogical decisions because they are upset with the moment. What has brought you to this point?
read my other posts if you care enough to try and understand
You wouldn’t have the guts, even if I put a pistol or shotgun in your hands. Live your life. I know how you feel. It will be better. just graduate and move on.
You don’t know me so you have no idea whether or not I would have the guts. Besides, you don’t even need the guts – just impulse.
You have absolutely no idea how I feel.
You don’t know that it will be better.
And people don’t just move on because someone says to.
So shut the fuck up.
Have you ever thought about seeking help? I know it doesn’t seem like the most appealing option. But I have seen with my own eyes how people have transformed after having treatment. Honestly, they have gone from rock bottom and not even having a single relationship in their life (they break ties with all family and friends and live in isolation) to being able to hold full time jobs, socialise and generally be happy. Also there is a difference between being very unhappy with the way ones life is and being depressed. Could it be that there are certain factors in your life that make you deeply unhappy? Could it be that you are unhappy with the way the people around your are? Or the way you are? Sometimes there are things around us that make us deeply upset and we hate the world or hate our lives because of it. I take it as a good sign that you went on holiday with your family and went to the Van Gogh museum.
Guns are simple and they are quick too. But they don’t give you the opportunity to ponder deeply on what it is that you want or rather that you don’t want. Have you given yourself enough time to try and get out of your current situation? Have you looked at all the opportunities? You’re young but options like leaving your family or changing schools or starting over in a new country are still there. Maybe you can’t do all of that now, but you could plan for it. The thing with a gun is that you can’t undo the damage if it’s fatal. You sound like an intelligent person and that fact that you hesitated when you had the opportunity means that somewhere deep down you actually really want to live.
Its good that you let school keep you busy. Throw yourself deep into the work, immerse yourself. Work hard, set your self goals, create dreams. Read and go places. There is nowhere that your imagination can’t take you.
I don’t want to live, at least not this life or in this society, I just don’t know how to die.
There’s nothing to help when the source of my problems is me and even if that could be fixed, my life has no purpose and this is not a society I want to live in.
On guns, that’s exactly the point. Most people sit and think in the moment. I’ve done my thinking and deciding. All I need is a second to pull the trigger. And yes, it is supposed to be fatal and not damage that can be undone.
Unfortunately, my imagination always takes me to dark places so that’s not a good thing…
If you care, you can read my other posts to get a better understanding of why I’m suicidal.
I’ve just read through your other posts. I have to say, you sound like an intelligent guy, you really do. You know these thoughts you have been having? What are they like? Are they really really messed up and do you always have them regardless of wheather you try to block them out? You know I can’t really say I feel the way you do about life but more often than not I feel like absolute crap for no reason what so ever. I feel ungrateful and stupid to feel crap without any real cause. I don’t like society. When I speak to people or make friends I wonder why I even bothered. Knowing them, having to speak to them and deal with them makes me feel pretty crap. But I bet no one would ever guess that this is how I think. These are what my thoughts look like. I think some people are just prone to melancholia….I think that’s a fitting term for what you feel. You’re melancholic. are you creative? i think creative individuals artists, musicians etc are prone to feel like that. it’s as if t their creativity feeds off their sadness. I know what you mean by not wanting to grow old, I feel like that too. My escape happens to be reading. When I’m reading I can be anyone live anywhere. I feel like I’ e travelled to so many places and sen so many things. I think I’m rambling now, it’s the fatigue. I will come back tomorrow to write the rest. A way, you’re 15, you might not have does discovered who you are meant to be and what you are want to do or rather want to do. Why don’t you give yourself a little more time to figure out wheather there is something you might enjoy or love?
Sorry I didn’t respond until now. Sometimes I forget to come here or I don’t have time so I only just saw your response. I don’t know if you’ll read this but anyway here is my reply:
It’s not so much the dark thoughts that I have issues with but it’s also the stupid thoughts, the conversations with myself, and the memory issues. I don’t even know what I don’t remember. I call it “uncontrollably selective memory” because my mind picks random things to remember – most of the time I forget the important things and vice versa.
I do know the feeling like crap for no reason. It’s awful.
And nobody has any idea what I think that if people knew they’d probably be shocked to tears.
Creative? I’m not so sure. Sometimes, I guess. I think people think I’m funny – I don’t know if that could be part of creativity…
My escape is music – I just get lost in the lyrics and the beat. My dad hates it because I always listen to music in the car and I tune out my family with my noise-cancelling headphones. He doesn’t understand.
It’s not that I haven’t “discovered who I’m meant to be” I’m not meant to be anything. People think that God creates everyone with a purpose. God doesn’t exist and people don’t have purposes. We are here randomly – some thrive and some suffer, randomly.
And there’s nothing I could enjoy or love that would be worth living for.
No worries at all!
Hmmm… I’m not sure but your description almost fits in with OCD but not the memory issues. Well maybe they do. Memory issues can be a sign of neurological disease…now I’m not saying you have any neurological problems, but memory issues in a person of your age is a pretty significant symptom/issue.
Dark thoughts, you’d be surprised at how many people have those. Some have fewer than others and some don’t need to act on them and just learn to live with them. Others need psychological or psychiatric treatment/ therapy etc. It must be really tough and I can’t imagine what you’re going through or how you feel. I used to have (and still sometimes do) bad thoughts (dark ones as you’d call them) repeatedly for no reason what so ever and it would be so difficult to try to block them out/ stop thinking about that crap. Over time it has sort of faded and I only rarely get instances like that. I feel like I have better ocntrol of my mind nowadays..not absoloute just better.
Being funny is cool.. not every body gets it right! 😀 I think you have to be pretty imaginative and creative to make people laugh so yeah creative!
I guess parents don’t always understand and sometimes they try not to and not because they are trying to be cruel or anything, but sometimes the reality/ truth is something they would prefer not to know. Or they would prefer it didn’t exist. Especialy when it concerns their own child. Do you know what I mean?
I hear you, you might not have a clear cut purpose. But your purpose could be just to live and overcome any other compulsion/fear/worry/despair or anything else you might feel. You’re only sixteen…you might not have yet discovered what it is.
I do beg to differ on the point that God doesn’t exist. BUt that is another conversation entirely and I’m not here to convince you to share my beliefs.
That’s a pretty strong final sentence there! As much as I wish i could convince you otherwise, I don’t know you well enough to understand why it is you feel the way you do or even how to stop it. But of course if I had the ability to make you feel less sad/less suicidal etc I would help you overcome whatever it is that you’re going through. Like your username says: you’re just a kid. There are hundreds and hundreds of things in this world that you haven’t experienced. There are hundreds of places you haven’t lived. I find it hard to accept that in this vast world there isn’t a place for you. And if for some reason there are no solid reasons to live..well then what about living just for the sake of it?
I’m not very helpful am I? Sorry.
Also, you write well for someone of your age. How do you feel about expressing your feelings through writing? Like keeping a diary and keeping track of your thoughts and maybe triggers that make you feel low?
What subjects have you taken at school?
Wow. I’d just like to thank you for being the most persistent person I’ve met here in regards to responding.
At this point I think I am just living for the sake of it. I’m living because I don’t really have a choice at this point. And it sucks.
I’m not going to keep a diary – I know people who do and I really don’t like it.
Thank you for the writing comment though. That one made me smile. 🙂