It’s this weird mixed emotion complex I get when I think about depression/suicide. In one respect it’s a relief because I’m allowing myself to feel the things I’ve really been feeling. But at the same time it’s terribly unnerving and ends up not being a relief at all. It makes me more depressed and think, “how the hell did I get here….”. It’s like your brain is a trajectory and you either get on a positive path or a negative spiral and obviously we’ve all screwed ourselves with a negative spiral. But when people tell you to go on, it’s like would you want to go on if you looked/felt like me on a daily basis? Most people would not.
I asked my mom today why anyone should be forced to live if they don’t want to and see no point/joy/love in it anymore. She said that other people see a reason for you to live and that’s why they hold on, because they’re fighting for you when you no longer want to fight for yourself. But when do they also realize the fight is hopeless? I guess if they’re family they’ll never give up, or never tell you so. But sometimes I wish people would be more truthful with you and be like.. yanno what? You are pretty fucked up and if you wanna go ahead, go ahead. I wouldn’t wanna lead your life either.
I just feel bad because I wouldn’t be the first child to try this route…but I would be the first to be successful, fingers crossed. Also, all that student loan debt. I’m thinking of paying it down as much as I can over the next year or 2, if I can manage to keep a job, because the guilt of leaving all of that financial burden on my parents is basically the only thing keeping me here at this point.
Welp, that’s my intro here although I’ve been reading here for a month or 2. Peace.
4 comments
People will NEVER acknowledge the logicality and rationality of suicide especially religious people. They will all say it is wrong, selfish, etc and blah blah blah. They won’t sit down and have a real truthful conversation with you about it and I agree with what your mother said 100%. Other people see a “reason” but that reason has nothing to do with you. Its more to do with them and how they feel…they want to spare themselves the pain of losing you by forcing you to live a life you don’t want or that is miserable for you to continue living. People will use any and every tactic to keep you from having control over your life. I don’t encourage people to kill themselves but I damn sure understand and condone it if they do it because it is their right as an individual.
As for your student loans I don’t know what to say about that because if your parents are on the hook for the money if you don’t pay then I guess it would be wrong to leave them with the debt however……have you considered finding an life insurance policy that includes suicidal deaths? There may be a probation period but its probably less time than working to pay them off…but of course this is only helpful if you are sure about ending your life.
I understand how you feel though. I am on my way to suicide as well and I don’t know when I will go through with it but I am planning to do it before 2014 I just can’t go through another year like the last few I’m sick of it. There are people…many people on this site that can relate to you and not only understand but empathize with you because we know the feeling….Whatever you decide to do I’m with you….I hope you find peace and relief from this hell.
Wow, the life insurance is an awesome idea and one that never really crossed my mind. Wouldn’t they claim shenanigans though if I got it and then just so happened to kill myself like 6 months later? Ah, I just still feel like in some shitty way my parents would be left with the financial burden and I mean I know the emotional burden is gonna be tough regardless so I’m just trying to check off all my other boxes if I can. I feel so shitty for doing this to them but I feel like living out a shitty life is just as bad of a fate for them.
Thanks for an honest and thoughtful reply. It has made me feel less alone on this night.
You sound like a really good person for trying to take care of your parents 🙂 The life insurance thing sounds really complicated, but I was doing a search on it and I wonder if you’ve seen this? http://www.hinermangroup.com/blog/insurance/life-insurance-does-too-cover-suicide/
Apparently lots of suicide clauses apply just for two years after the initial issue date, so if you’re sure about what you’re doing in the long term…
All the best.
I guess I’m a guilty person. If you wanna call that good, then thanks. But that is mighty mighty interesting. I’m wondering which would take longer, just working until then or merely trying to survive until then. Plus I’d have to pay into it. I think I’m gonna stick to my plan of just paying my debt but that is surely an interesting read. Thanks for that info stellaeric.
And yeah, I’m pretty damn sure.
Thanks, to you as well in whatever your future holds.