Weakness and Negativity

I don’t like being weak. But damnit I must be. I cry every time I’m sad and I can never get past my mistakes. But I can see why. I’m honestly ruining my dad’s life. Me stressing him out is causing him to have seizures. My negativity is sucking the life out of my own father. Whenever I try to change I just end up doing something else wrong. My dad wants my mom to come back home and I’m too selfish to not have an attitude with my mother, for my dad’s sake. I so often contemplate suicide. I honestly think it would make everyone’s lives easier. For now, I’ll just move out and see if that makes everyone happier. If it goes as planned and everyone’s happy, I’ll probably kill myself. I hate everything about myself and I’m so unworthy of these amazing people in my life. I wish I could be good enough. Now, my dad doesn’t want me to go to the acting school I want because I’m too irresponsible and guess what? he’s right. i prioritize vain shallow things over what really matters. I don’t deserve life and I wish my mom had an abortion. I wish I didn’t exist. I’m making everyone unhappy. And then I feel sorry for myself and cry in the closet instead of sucking it up and getting over it. Everything I do is wrong lately. And my attention-seeking ways are tearing my family apart. I should die. I hate myself so much. I deserve to die.