I’m not sure I do. But I am sad that I hurt my beautiful mother.
Basically, I’ve been going back and forth in my mind about how I want to die so badly right now. But I need to try and make it through another 2 years to make enough money at this home-based job to pay off my student loans.
The issue is that a close childhood friend who I’ve known forever and is my best friend lives kind of far away. But she has a really important life event happening next year and even though it’d be horrible of me not to go, I’m starting to think my depressed self would bring down the whole mood of the event anyways. It just sucks because I need to be happy for her, this time should all be about her, but because I can’t pull myself together it’s about me in the worst way right now. And I wish I could snap my fingers and just be ok for this event.
So anyways, I was explaining this dilemma to my mom and accidentally (or maybe not? I really don’t know if I wanted her to know or not) let it slip that I have to live for the next 2 years at least to pay off these loans so I have to face these events in some way shape or form…and she looked at me like what? And I was like do you really think I’ll be able to go on for another 5 years? Like, really? And she teared up and walked away from me and came back to tell me how mean I was to say something like that. I guess it was cold now that I reflect on it. I also told her that everyone keeps saying “I’ll be okay” for their own consolation and the thing is I’m past wanting to get better. It’s too late for me. These are really harsh things to tell the beautiful, sensitive human being that brought you into this world and only ever wanted the best for you. And I hate myself for becoming this human and putting her through all of this. UGHH. She came back to me after about an hour back to her usual patient wonderful person hugging me and telling me she’ll love me no matter what, even though there’s absolutely nothing lovable about me.
And now, as a constantly suicidal person I’m realizing that honesty is not always the best policy. It’s not a secret but the fact that it runs through my head almost all day everyday is not known and does not need to be known by everyone. And while annoying for me to have to censor myself, it’s necessary.
7 comments
“Can you regret saying something even if it’s true?”
I don’t see why not. Sometimes people can’t handle the truth, and if you proceed to make them handle it, when they otherwise wouldn’t have, or might not have encountered it, then i suppose that could cause regret.
Lots of people who come to SP learn harsh lessons about self-censorship, and come to know the dilemma of needing help that isn’t safe to tell anyone you need… or maybe don’t even want.
I don’t think you can regret saying something when it’s the truth.
Hurt them with the truth, or comfort them with a lie.
It’s a catch-22.
From what you wrote, it’s just a slip. It doesn’t seem like you meticulously devised a perfect moment of revelation, in order to shock and upset your mother. You got caught up in a dilemma, and forgot that it’s one you can’t share, without revealing something you knew would hurt someone’s feelings.
And i’ve totally felt the same way: wanting to be part of family activities, because they want me there, and won’t understand if i’m not… but at the same time, knowing i can’t just pretend to be some other happy person, for the sake of an arbitrary gathering, and wanting instead, to avoid it, because i can’t stomach the idea of having to pretend to be who they want me to be, just so they can feel better about me being there.
I almost skipped my youngest sister’s wedding due to this. I’ve skipped countless other events. I’m just not interested in being part of social gatherings, until i can be genuinely pleased to participate. Idk when that will ever happen again.
I had a similar issue with my mom too. I got put on the spot one too many times, and was finally like “fuck it, you know what? i almost always feel terrible, and i can’t help it, and it seems like i won’t be able to change it, and i really just don’t like being around people this way, and i would rather not, unless it’s something very special, or something i simply can’t refuse.”
I remember saying some things that were truth that caused undesirable and irreversible consequences and to this day I regret them……anything you say truth or lie can end up being something you regret…..sometimes the truth is too bitter for someone to swallow and that’s why I tread softly when I do have to speak to my mom or someone in my family…. I make sure to omit anything I know could possibly make them become aware of my plans and intentions…. I don’t want to hurt anyone before I go if I can avoid it
As for attending events…..I just flat out refuse to go anywhere….I passed on a lot of events that I could have went to but I didn’t go for the greater good. I can’t act and smile when I feel like crap on the inside….I just can’t…..If I tried it would appear more like I was clenching my jaw and stretching my lips….very abnormal….As a consequence I’ve probably destroyed a lot of relationships with family even further but at this point I honestly no longer care…..I’m on my way out so maintaining those relationships is pointless and isn’t worth the effort….
I’ve regretted telling someone i loved them, even though it was true. I’ve also regretted telling someone i hated them, even though that was true.
Sometimes it’s in neither our own best interest, nor that of others, to reveal an inconvenient or complicated or harsh or painful truth. Revealing the wrong truths can leave one quite vulnerable, or upset others enough to provoke them into destructive action. Sometimes, it’s better to just keep a secret… even though it’s quite often beneficial to reveal truth, when the revelation can lead to an acceptable solution. But if a revelation only causes pain and leaves you exposed, and doesn’t actually solve anything… then it might be better not to say. It’s just one of those things… you gotta know what to say, and what not to say, before you say it. Once it’s out, it’s out, and the game can quickly change.
“you gotta know what to say, and what not to say, before you say it. Once it’s out, it’s out, and the game can quickly change.” man had I known this at a young age…..many things would be different…..but nope instead I was fed the bullshit… “sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you”…..so I tended to say whatever …hurtful or not without the revelation that words can actually hurt….. yes the hell they can…..and they can cut deeper and hurt more than any bruise a stick will leave…. “never” should have been “also”
I’ve always been under this impression that you can’t say anything wrong if it’s the truth. But now I’m realizing how wrong this really is. I just hate lying so much, it makes me feel gross.