My therapist told me a joke today. How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer is it depends if the lightbulb is ready to change…
If you’ve ever been to therapy you know you can only get so far unless you really want to be a different more adjusted person. In so many ways, I don’t want to be better, because I’m so sure I won’t be able to get there and even if I ever got close to something good I’d be terrified of it all falling apart again.
I keep telling my therapist that I’m wasting her time and my money because I’m eventually, unfortunately going to do myself in, because my problems just are not surmountable for me.
And she keeps trying and like honestly trying. And I haven’t paid her in awhile because she knows money’s tight, and she said it’s fine I can just pay her when I can.
I just don’t get it. Are people really filled with that much goodness? Is there another reason she’s not giving up on me? I’m taking these supplements that are supposed to replenish your dopamine and serotonin, and she’s convinced when I get to higher levels, I’ll be in a better place to get out of my depression and we’ll be able to really start working on issues. Right now I just come in every week and say…yeah nothing’s changed, still feel like shit. Why won’t she give up? I’m actively trying to get her to just be like yeah, I can’t help you since you won’t help yourself.
3 comments
I’m sorry about your situation, but I think there are a lot of people actually filled with that much goodness. I feel she does really want to help you, and I believe that you can deal with your depression. It might not get any better, but you can definitely try to make it better and you never know, perhaps your life might change.
That’s really nice you feel like people are that good. I used to feel that way til I didn’t feel that way anymore. Perhaps, but doubtful.
Someday you will break through. It took me a long time, it happened after I stopped my therapist and psychologist. After all the sessions and pills. I will never shake the thoughts and feelings for good, but I know I am stronger and better than killing myself. Any of us is, you just have to have those moments that snap you out of it. They will pile up, and you will make it.