Hi. This will be weird for most i suppose but I dont care. Dont read it if you dont want to. I am about to leave to a friends house and theres a good chance I will smoke weed for the first time in a few months. Weed usually has quite an effect on e especially when it comes to the death department. (It makes me want to live) So I am writing this, my true feelings and tonight when I come back I will re- read it and see which of my “feelings” has changed.
I dont want to be alive. For many reasons, emotional anguish, no job, no girl but not just that I think much more. However I am scared to kill myself. The last time I tried Carbon Monoxide I ended up starting to cry and crawling out of the car after seeing images of family members. I dont want to hurt my mom, dad, niece and nephew. Also I love my 2 dogs. But is that all that prevents me from firing up a bbg in the house with some sleeping pills? I know I’m to scared to jump, hang, shoot or anything to sudden or violent. I feel weak, so many people have the guts to end their life when in distress, why cant I? Is it the reasons I said? Or am I just a *****? Whats the use of trying to hang on? We all die eventually. OK thanks.
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Weed does have that effect. Making you want to live….and it worked for me for a long time but I found myself needing it more and more until the affect wore off and then I found myself wanting to die even while high as a kite. That was when I realized I can’t deny how I really feel and that maybe death is best for me.
I think that is the survival instinct kicking in. It’s not something that can be controlled or turned off. It’s a built in survival mechanism. I don’t know what’s the use of hanging on I can’t answer that for you because I don’t know what your life is like… but maybe you can find an answer to that question if you really think about it. As for me I don’t have one…and thats okay because I’ve thought long and hard about it. I’m not encouraging you to commit suicide or anything but I think you need to really think about what it is that you want….do you want to stop the pain? or do you want to die? many people get these two things confused… and it leads to them killing themselves when really they wanted to live but without the pain. If you want to live but just end the pain then I think you should continue to fight because the end of life isn’t what you truly desire….. If you had a job a girl and the emotional anguish disappeared over time….would you still want death?
yeah I used to smoke pot a lot and if I had a job I probably would smoke after work or on weekends, but now its only on days like today (once every few months) What I discovered is what I pretty much already knew. It just clears my mind and lets me know what I need to do and it wot be easy. What I want to do is live happy but it never happens and only theres pain. So how much more of this pain can I handle I guess it doesnt matter does it. The Shawshank redemption quote pretty much sums it all up for me right now. “Get busy living or get busy dying”