What do you do when you dont want to live anymore but you dont want to hurt your mom and two innocent kids who for some reason look up to you. You cant do it. You cant end it. You have to lay in your bed tossing and turning listening to yourself breathe repeating oh god over and over even though you doubt the existence of a deity, Also I have 2 7 yr old dogs, sounds strange but I dont want to hurt them either, So what do you do? You spend time on SP, you smoke cigarettes, you cut yourself, you feel weak like you might do it anyway despite all the people you’ll hurt, Theres nothing you can do. You wait for a miracle that you know is not coming. You wait for a paradigm shift and hope. But hope is an illusion. You hope for better things but they only get worse, and worse. You become insane. You develop severe mental illness but society will only help you if you commit a criminal act. You want to be strong, you say a few times per day, this is the day that I’m going to turn it around but you already know your just lying to yourself. What do you do? What can you do? I have no idea. I cant wait for death. No more pain, no more anguish, no more torture, peaceful everlasting sleep.
i was just watching In Time with JT and Amanda Seyfried (cute). For those who haven’t seen it, its quite unique. The year is 2150 or so and humans have been engineered to stop aging at 25 years old. The problem is that once you reach 25 a digital second counting clock on your arm starts meaning you only have a year to live. Another problem is you dont actually get that whole year because you have to spend your time on food and such. There are different time zones. In the ghetto most people live day to day but people time out and bodies lay all over the street. In the richest time zone, people have thousands of years, some even millions, (there motto is “for a few to be immortal, many must die” they spend there whole lives just trying not to die accidently. Anyway I was so bored I decided to write here. This is the only web site I can write on. I spent a good deal of today depressed and even made a few fresh cuts. I wonder if i lived in that movie if i would work to earn time to live another day or I would just allow myself to time out. i think i know the answer.
Suicide takes the lives of nearly 30,000 Americans every year.
Many who attempt suicide never seek professional care.
There are twice as many deaths due to suicide than HIV/AIDS.
Between 1952 and 1995, suicide in young adults nearly tripled.
Over half of all suicides occur in adult men, ages 25-65.
In the month prior to their suicide, 75% of elderly persons had visited a physician.
Suicide rates in the United States are highest in the spring.
Over half of all suicides are completed with a firearm.
For young people 15-24 years old, suicide is the third leading cause of death.
Suicide rates among the elderly are highest for those who are divorced or widowed.
80% of people that seek treatment for depression are treated successfully.
15% of those who are clinically depressed die by suicide.
There are an estimated 8 to 25 attempted suicides to 1 completion.
The highest suicide rate is among men over 85 years old: 65 per 100,000 persons.
1 in 65,000 children ages 10 to 14 commit suicide each year.
Substance abuse is a risk factor for suicide.
The strongest risk factor for suicide is depression.
By 2010, depression will be the #1 disability in the world. (World Health Organization)
In 2004, 32,439 people died by suicide. (CDC)
Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. (homicide is 15th). (CDC)
Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death for 15- to 24-year-old Americans. (CDC)
It is estimated that there are at least 4.5 million survivors in this country. (AAS)
An average of one person dies by suicide every 16.2 minutes. (CDC, AAS)
There are four male suicides for every female suicide. (CDC, AAS)
Research has shown medications and therapy to be effective suicide prevention.
Suicide can be prevented through education and public awareness.
Last year SAVE educated 10,618 youth & parents on depression and suicide prevention.
Last year SAVE received 810 requests for information from 72 countries.
In 2004 it is estimated there were 811,000 suicide attempts in the US. (AAS)
There are three female suicide attempts for each male attempt. (CDC, AAS)
According to the Violent Death Reporting System, in 2004 73% of suicides also tested positive for at least one substance (alcohol, cocaine, heroin or marijuana).
Hi. This will be weird for most i suppose but I dont care. Dont read it if you dont want to. I am about to leave to a friends house and theres a good chance I will smoke weed for the first time in a few months. Weed usually has quite an effect on e especially when it comes to the death department. (It makes me want to live) So I am writing this, my true feelings and tonight when I come back I will re- read it and see which of my “feelings” has changed.
I dont want to be alive. For many reasons, emotional anguish, no job, no girl but not just that I think much more. However I am scared to kill myself. The last time I tried Carbon Monoxide I ended up starting to cry and crawling out of the car after seeing images of family members. I dont want to hurt my mom, dad, niece and nephew. Also I love my 2 dogs. But is that all that prevents me from firing up a bbg in the house with some sleeping pills? I know I’m to scared to jump, hang, shoot or anything to sudden or violent. I feel weak, so many people have the guts to end their life when in distress, why cant I? Is it the reasons I said? Or am I just a *****? Whats the use of trying to hang on? We all die eventually. OK thanks.
Im getting closer now. First I have some more thoughts to sort out including, if I’m going to give up because I know theres no light at the end of the tunnel and I’m in pain then why not get revenge first? Second since I have tried pills and carbon monoxide and failed, since I’m to scared of jumping, shooting, or anything to sudden or violent and since I always stop the blood before its to late than I’m going to try an experiment. I have done a little research. First they say that a person can go weeks without food but only 3 to 5 days with food and water so I plan on laying in my bed without food and water for as long as I can. My research says that its not painful. Wish me luck.
As I have mentioned many times before here on tsp, In 2002 I reclined the seat in my car in the garage and closed my eyes and waited but before I fell asleep forever I kept seeing images of my 1 yr old niece and 5 year old nephew. Â I got out of the car went up to bed, cried and have been living in pain ever since. Â But its all worth it after days like today, when they show up out of the blue and we spend some hours having fun swimming, playing wiffle ball and just being around these 2 great kids makes me forget about my loneliness and despair. Â All you need is one reason to keep living. Â If you dont know what that reason is maybe you just haven’t found it yet, but if you kill yourself you’ll never find it. Â I know the pain is real, I feel it everyday but we must persist if for no other reason than to find that one thing that makes you feel alive.
It doesn’t matter if your
poor or rich
happy or sad
the truth is we are all just
No matter what they think
No matter what they do
No one will ever live forever
and why would anyone want to?
After 41 years I’m so saddened by life
imagine living a trillion years without a partner or wife
Thats why I’m content knowing
there’s just a few years to go
I’m wasting away
and it only SEEMS slow
I’m bored so….The first time, I was 14, I was scared to death my dad had a meeting at the school and he was going to find out I was flunking out. Â I went into the cabinet and poured a bunch of Aspirin into my hand and swallowed them. Â I laid in bed and closed my eyes. Â This was my most sincere attempt because at the time thats what I knew, I had heard on TV (lots of times) about overdosing on pills. My teenaged brain didn’t have the defense mechanisms it has today. Â All that happened was I ended up sleeping for 14 hours and then running away when I woke up. Â 15 years later my life was again unbearable. Â This time I had my own house. Â By now I had learned through media that sitting in your running car in an enclosed garage would put you peacefully to sleep. Â This time my objective was to kill myself so that the pain would end and certain family members would feel the pain that I felt they were inflicting on me. Â Unfortunately my brain didn’t allow me to sit in the car for longer than 15 minutes or so as I continued to see images of my 4 year old nephew and newborn niece. Â So I stayed alive, eventually I got on anti-depressants (for awhile) and fought through to now 10 years later where I find myself again looking up things like suicide by bbq and reading and writing on the suicide project. Â But I know I cant do it. Â My niece and nephew are awesome but their mom has kicked me out of “her” family. Â I feel like this will pass but I dont know for sure and when. Â So now I just am. Â I just sit and look at the wall, the ceiling, out the window. Â I get bored and check the 2 or 3 things that mean nothing on this computer. Â I’m never hungry but I’m always looking in the fridge, I usually just drink some water. Â I guess I’m going to go back to couch now and do the only thing I can do, close my eyes and dream of being in a better place, even though I know those thoughts will be interrupted by the real thoughts that I’m alone and even my own family hates me.
For the past few months I have read the posts and posted myself on this site. Â Every day is the same for me. Â I think suicidally but then I’ve made it 40 years and have family thats suffering around me and I want to help but the suicidal thoughts persist. Â But than after a few months I get lucky and score myself a 20 bag of weed. Â I smoke a little and suddenly everything changes. Â I feel even deeper sadness for those that I love that are suffering but I feel like I can deal with the loneliness of not ever really having a partner, of not having had a date in 10 years of not Â having a job or money, of feeling like a loser. Â A lot of those types of things fade into the background of my mind. Â I feel a survival mode kick in. Â I realize that wow I’m alive, what a miracle and I enjoy my little high. Â Of course in a few days I will be back to broke and weedless but I know that the possibility is out there that some day I might strike green again, so until then I’m going to continue to read everyones posts and continue to tell all the teens (and everyone else) I see writing on this to hang in there. Â There are a lot of us suffering but we can help each other through these words. Oh and get out and vote to de-criminalize the best medicine big ****** doesnt want you to have.
What do you do when the pain so great that you just want to die but you cant because you know that if you do you will be pretty much killing your mom, dad and a couple of kids who look up to you. Â What do you do? Â I cant find a job. Â If I had money I would smoke some weed and I wouldn’t even think of suicide because when I’m high the reverse happens and I start thinking about survival. Â But I have nothing. Â I watch the damn Illuminati controlled TV all day. Â Even McDonalds wont call me back for an interview. Â I’m fucked. Â Soon I may be homeless if my dads health gets worse. Â Will I try to stick it out with my mom or will she move in with my sister who hates me. Â She disrespects my mom so I know she wouldnt want to go there but she loves her grandkids so she might put up with it. Â Then again maybe my dad might hold on for a few more years. Â Its all too much. Â I fucking hate life. Â I just wish I had a nice girl to lay next to me and share with. Â So many of us on here with the same fucking problems and all we can do is write them down and nothing changes. Â Time to go lay on my couch close my eyes, pretend I’m in another life, hope I never wake up, knowing that I probably will and the same fucking nothingness of another day awaits.
I feel like the reason I like the suicide project is because I can write my true feelings. Â Usually I keep them bottled up. Â I know my dad has advanced diabetes and my mom just lost her mom and then her little sister and she feels helpless so I cant really tell them “hey I have serious depression, I lay in the fetal position and cry and wish for it to be over” Â That doesnt help them. Â So I try to keep going and then what happens my sister starts a fight with me over shit that has nothing to do with me. Â So I get pissed and tell her what I think of her and she tells me if thats how I feel then theres no reason to talk to her again or see her family. Â Wow, I thought it was my family too. Â She’s using her 2 wonderful teenage kids to try to hurt me. Â So just when I think hey I’m going to try and stick this out, see where it goes and try my best to support the few people in my life, I get stabbed in the back. Â I may never understand it. Â I still have a bag of charcoal in a drawer in the garage, I know exactly where the bbq. Â I know that if/when I do it my pain immediatley ends. Â I got right back to the non-existent state i was in before my parents conceived me. Â That wasn’t a bad place. Â But I have to stay. Â If now, only for my mom. Â But it hurts. Â Thank you people on this site for sharing your stories, I try to read them all. Â I know I’m not alone in this fight.
Back in 1988 I was in high school. Â In my art class there was this girl that sat across from me, literally 7 feet away. Â She was cute, I noticed her, we made eye contact once at least. Â She was new at the school, she had only been there for a couple of weeks I guess. Â I knew her name was Dina Reif. Â During spring break I liked to read the local newspaper. Â I like to look at the headlines, then the sports, the comics and for some reason I always read the obits. Â I was sitting there on the couch and I saw a headline about a teen suicide. Â I read it and it was her name. Â It turns out that she had just moved to CA. from Michigan. Â Her boyfriend had just been killed in a car crash and her dad was in the military and had just left to go overseas. Â She had gone to the next city over (Hayward) somehow gotten up to the roof of the centennial hall and jumped 10 stories. Â I remember the quote in the Daily Review. Â Someone on the first flor in a meeting or something said that it sounded like a bunch of wood Â crashing to the ground. Â I dont know why but I always think about this. Â I always think about her. Â I always think how I wish I would have talked to her, said Hi, asked her to hang out. Â I wish I could have befriended her and given her some hope because I think hope even if its just one little thing can make all the difference. Â But unfortunately I was lost as can be in high school. Â I was a molest victim at age 7 and was completely lost, just trying to fit in and not get teased by all the mean girls and boys. Â I wish I hadnt had been so shy. Â I remember thinking shortly after reading the story how if she could have just held on, in time things would have gotten better. Â But she knew. Â She ended it and her pain ended. Â We humans are wired differently, some suicidal persons in a lot of pain can jump or shoot and end the pain and others like me are cowards. Â I’ve held a gun to my head and even slept with one in hopes that I would do it in my sleep. Â I’ve tried to fall asleep in a car in a garage, but thats no good because it gives me to much time to convince myself not too. Â I doubt anyones still reading this far but thats ok. Â Thats what this site is for for people like us to be able to get it out because if your like me anyways and try to tell a family member that you dont want to live they get angry and ask you if you know how many people are dying. Â Of course i know stupid, I just dont know what to do so I’m telling you this. Â Going to go to couch now. Â Sorry, this started out to be about a girl I wish I would have talked too and ended up being me complaining as usual. Â Maybe she was right maybe I do think only about myself. Â Well I hate myself anyway so good night peoples. Â Dont cut. Â Dont end it. Â This world is in bad shape. Â Stick around and see what happens. Â Maybe there will be a revolution and we can be a part of it.
I drove my dad to the doctor today. Â I was sitting in the parking lot waiting for him while he was at his appointment and for some reason I pulled out my little pocket knife and started thinking about how I read on this site that people cut themselves. Â I had cut a little bit on my wrist before but only when I was alone and never enough to leave any real marks. Â If I recall this was over 5 years ago. Â Anyways I keep this knife pretty sharp and I started in on myself right there in the middle of the Kaiser parking lot at 4 oclock in the afternoon, I dont really know why though its possible I guess that its like I mentioned just because I read about it on this site so much. Â Anyway I just made a little mark on my wrist and then a little bit bigger one up my arm a lil. Â I can still see it but it will be invisible tomorrow. Â I remember thinking that since I was in a hospital parking lot and the hospital is 5 stories maybe someone might see me from a window and say oh my god and then come down and talk to me and offer help or support or Â something. Â Then I thought thats probably why so many people do it, they just want help, for someone to notice and help. Â Also though in that minute or 3 that I sat there watching myself do this I was kind of in a zone, sorta hypnotized by it. “How much do I cut?” Â “How much do I want to feel it?” “How much do I want to bleed?” Â So I dont know what the answers are. Â I probably wont be doing it again anytime soon. Â I’ve decided that its not the right time for me to commit suicide right now. Â I just lost a close family member to fucking cancer, my dad’s health is failing, my mom would be devastated and then there are 2 special teens that I dont want to hurt. Â So I haven’t had a date this millennium, so I haven’t had a job in 10 years and eat oatmeal and top ramen everyday, so I lay on the couch and stare at the wall for hours everyday like a mindless zombie. Â Somehow that pain I had, the one suicidal people have, the one that makes you cry and curl up and hyperventilate and all that has gone away. Â I’m just watching and waiting at this point. Â The eternal rest shall come soon enough I guess. Â I’ll just do my best like I always have tried too do until then.
There’s nothing to do, There’s nothing to say
Just lay down and go slowly away
All of my dreams, All of my fears
None of it matters, none of its real
Soon this will be over
Soon there will be no more reason to cry
Soon this will be over
Soon there will be a reason to cry
I wasn’t born this way
I never wanted to hate
They turned me into this
Now its too late
Some nights when I am having a hard time falling asleep, I finally get there and I awake suddenly. Â In that split second when I open my eyes in the dark of my room in the middle of the night I feel like I have seen and felt death. Â I feel its nothingness, I see it’s darkness. Â It scares me and I notice my heart is pounding and I remain spooked for several minutes before finally sleeping, like a baby.
Sorry, I’m new here, just trying to figure it out. Â Oh OK got it now. Â (edit). Â I’m gonna stay logged in to this site for the foreseeable future. Â It makes sense for me considering i think about suicide everyday and have attempted it twice in my 40 years. Â I feel like eventually it might be how i go but idk.