The Clown can laugh again

Hey guys,

I know how all of you feel. Suicidal, alone, and depressed.

I knew that feel for 12 years now, I weren’t alone but I thought I were, I didn’t see no friends, not my girlfriend, I thought they were fakers, they were laughing at me, I couldn’t even see that my girlfriend loves me. why would she, I’m a 24/7 depressed person who couldn’T help her at anything, who does so much, and I didn’t see how much she has done for me, it all started in the year 2000. My father left my mother and was gone, for a long time, till I saw him again, but he had gotten another child, the baby and work were more important than me, even the sons of the woman who was the mother of the baby, got more attention than me, and bullied me, Then they broke up, my dad lived alone, but still hadn’t much time for me, he too fell back into depression and sat one his couch the whole day watched tv and played videogames on his laptop. My mum and me moved to another town, 2 car hours away from all of my friends even 3 to my dads house. I went to school and once again I got bullied for more than 3 years none stop, only had fake friends who used me for my flat, (my mum was working from morning to very late) This was the first time I thought about suicide, at the age of 13, 5 years ago. we lived one more year there, and I got used to it to have no real friends, get used and be bullied. I got my mom to search for another job, back home. she did it half a year later, we moved across the street from my grandmas house. I went to my new class with the feel that I couldn’t do anything right, had to do that class again and were ill all the time because I were to scared to go to school, so I walk through the door and there is the first scream, OOOH A NEW GUY, and the first down voting sentences fell, I thought that I wouldn’t survive this time, it had gone like this for a year now in the new school, I hadn’t any friends beside of one, his name was Tim (he’s still one of my best friends, yet the last one I called after hospital) without him I think I would have died. But still I thought he uses me sometimes, why shouldn’t he? all of my “friends” my whole life did it, why should he be different? We have a pool down in our house and alot of other stuff, so there would, again, be a reason to be used. But he didn’t. With him I found a few new friends but nobody that important, not the kind of friend I always wished for. Then I met the new guy, EVERYBODY made fun of him, I knew that feel so I walked right up to him, and took him as my younger brother, that was the beginn of a whole new and wonderfull friendship. Then the depression dissapeared and just came back two days a month, that was great. but then it started gettin two days a week, and then half a year ago, it started and has never gone away, I fell in the deepest hole you can imagine, I didn’t see anything, just like I said. No friends, no family, no love, i felt alone and lost, and I couldn’t take it anymore. So last friday, I took all of the pills I could find, and half a bottle of Captain Morgan, and my eyes were open, I saw pictures of my friends, of my love, of everything i could miss and everybody who would miss me. And I called that guy who was my younger brother. And he drove right to my house and to the hospital, I saved his life, he saved mine.

All I want to say to you, You can do it, there is an end for all of this crap, don’T choose the way I did, you will get an reason, wich brings it all to an end. and because of this reason, you have to live, you have to survive, I always hated these guys who said, nothing is more useless and more ignorant, for suicide, and that there is no reason for it, I know it, there is a reason, you have a reason or you wouldn’t be reading this, but also there is a reason for the healing. a reason that makes it go away, trust me, you are not alone, there is someone who loves you, there is someone who is there for you, trust me, just try to open your eyes for once, and talk to that person, not everyone is making fun of you, there are people who are there for you, and love you more than everything. Who really like you for who you are. And if not try to find someone. Just open your eyes, this is a wonderfull world with a lot of reasons to survive.

I hope I could help you.

Peace

The now Happy Clown