I have lost my lust for life many years ago. At first I thought it was a phase that I would grow out of but I realize that the older I get, the more I lose the desire to live. I don’t have any glaring problems with my life. I have a decent job and I don’t have any pressures, but I find the only pleasure I get out of life is from sleeping. I sleep with a tank of helium (and tubing, gas mask, etc) under my bed because it gives me comfort to know I have the option available at any time. I often contemplate suicide, but the only reason I don’t is that I hate the thought of how it would affect my parents. I often wish a meteor would just fall from the sky and take me out, so that I could end existence without it being considered a suicide. I have been to the doctor, and the doctor said that as far as he could tell, I was perfectly healthy. He gave me anti-depressants just in case, but they only made me more sleepy (but I couldn’t sleep). I really don’t think it’s a chemical imbalance, I think my brain was wired differently from birth. I don’t know how long I will go before I take action. Even if someone talked me out of suicide, they would only be prolonging an unhappy life.
Whenever I hear of a celebrity that dies young, I am filled with an enthusiasm. I feel like, “Wow, they did it! They escaped!” One of my classmates from high school died from bacterial meningitis when she was at college. Instead of sadness, I felt happy for her. I like stories where people die young. I don’t see “Romeo & Juliet” as a tragedy, I honestly see it as uplifting. I also see suicide as a heroic act. If someone has the desire to ask a girl out, and takes the steps and builds up the courage and performs the act, then that is awesome. Likewise, if someone has the desire to end their being, and takes the steps and builds up the courage and performs the act, that is wonderful as well. Otherwise they are just passively waiting, like someone passively waiting for a girl to ask them out.
Anyway, I thought I would throw that out there just to see if anyone could relate and to get some other opinions as well.
4 comments
Sadly, There are people in society that fiercely disagree with you description of suicide as “heroic”. They consider it cowardly….weak….shameful….and any other demeaning and insulting term you can think of. While I don’t agree with societies view I don’t necessarily consider it heroic but rather courageous. I think it takes courage to end your life because most people are scared to death of death (if that makes sense)….so for somebody to face it head on? They had to have some courage somewhere to pull the trigger, swallow the pill, or take whatever action needed to end their life. I agree about the waiting thing…..We will die regardless so I don’t think it really matters when…. Better sooner than later IMO…… I don’t see whats so special about old age anyway….all your glory days behind you….remembering to take a shit load of pills to survive for another day…..possibly needed someone to care for you and not being able to operate your body…….diseases that make you forget your memories and affect your motor skills…..like where is the reward in reaching old age? IMO I’d rather die now than an old bitter man angry about this miserable existence I’m experiencing. Maybe I’m too pessimistic or maybe I just see things as the way they really are without the “rose tinted glasses” I don’t know…..
Good post Frumpaccino. I feel very much the same way. You mention you don’t think your depression is a chemical imbalance. It’s good to hear someone else say that. I know in my case and probably many others on here, it’s caused by the sucky situation we find ourselves living in, as well as what you, some of us are just wired differently. I’ve never been diagnosed but believe I probably have a form of Aspergers. Which neatly explains a lot of my issues. I have never tried antidepressants and won’t. I’ve read too many bad things about them.
Yeah, I agree with your assessment that suicide is not heroic but courageous. Heroism is really more sacrificing oneself for the betterment of others. I suppose it was a bit of sloppiness on my part. I completely relate to your feelings on old age. It is hard to justify the decay of aging as a pleasant experience. Those who die young get to eat the best part of the apple without having to eat the core.
Thanks for the reply RenoBill,
Yeah, our society to often defines depression as merely a chemical imbalance. Even when it is an imbalance the imbalance could easily be a symptom of a much deeper phenomenon. Thanks for the post, gives me a bit more to chew on.