People think deciding to take your own life is easy, like deciding what colour of shirt you wanna buy or what flavour of ice cream you wanna get. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Dying is complicated. I am not talking about the impulsive ones but the ones that take planning and consideration. The ones where you map out exactly what you need to do, how will your family be provided for when you are dead and who will look after your pets. The thought of loved ones finding me dead or hearing about my death has kept me going but not for much longer I can’t bear to feel the way I do any more. It is not easy. The shame of pointing a gun to your own head, the agony of writing a note to your friends and the guilt of leaving them behind and not to mention the pain of dying itself are all the things that run thru my head everyday and they say it is easy??? It is not…. dying is just easier than living cause it has a deadline. I am tired of my miserable existence, I can barely get out of bed. The thought of opening my eyes to see another day turns my stomach… but I think of my parents and they don’t deserve this … but how can I go on like this..I have pretty much cried my eyes out writing this nonsense, people die everyday.. people who don’t wanna die perhaps… death comes for everyone , all I ask is that tomorrow you pick me, so I don’t have to be the one to do it…………..
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It’s difficult work either way isn’t it?
I can relate bro, though you didn’t really specify why you wanted to die…everything else I concur with because I think about the same things as well and it also keeps me alive.
I have a little niece who’s crazy about me, she’s only 10 and I think it would destroy her to know I was gone. She also hates her parents and wants to move in with me and my mother. I also hate her parents, they’re shitheads.
Also my mother depends on me as well-also I’m a source of support and advice for others around me, so it would leave a huge hole if I died. At the same time though, I feel terrible inside and don’t really want to live anymore. I’ve seen enough and I burned away all my great opportunities for having a wonderful life-those options will never come back to me.
I just keep getting older and am going nowhere. At the same time I can’t abandon my niece or those who need me. I’m really stuck. I’m trying to hang on but sometimes I really just want to die because I feel dead inside already. I’m down primarily because I have no ‘special someone’ in my life and without that, life feels more meaningless. Anyways, with all this chatter, I’m making myself more depressed so I’ll leave it here.
@terminal
indeed it is. I used to take comfort in the fact that if life just got so bad I can always off myself and be done but who knew turning the switch off would be so terribly hard
@secondlife
I just don’t enjoy anything anymore, I once loved hanging out with people couldn’t get enough now they just all irritate me and i probably irritate them too. The simple pleasures of life are gone. I am alone… I am on a suicide website. I feel miserable evryday. I have been crying everyday. I am tired and I feel numb. I can not connect with anyone. i do think I have an opportunity to make a good life but not a happy one. I too don’t have a “special someone” and I don’t know if that makes things better or worse. Last night while sitting on my bed I’ve been placing a mental price tag on every item in my flat. There isn’t much but I wanna sell everything before I die just to leave behind some money for my parents and not to burden them with getting rid of my stuff. Then i started thinking I should have perhaps taken a life insurance policy but too late now? …
I see why you are stuck. you don’t want to leave your niece behind, the same way i don’t wanna leave my family behind.. but for how long?
The pain is suffocating … I feel like I’m losing my mind
The rain is making me feel 1000000000X worse !!!!!!
I want a HUG. but if you hug me I’ll probably cry a river on your shoulder, I’ve already emptied a box of tissue next to me. I’m crying into a towel now.
Most of the time my depression is silent and well behaved but today it’s just demanding too much attention ,,, too many tears,
I almost called my parents.. what would I say .. I’m sorry I really wanna die? I stopped myself… my poor parents. I love my parents, I can’t get rid of my depression …. I feel like tearing myself into pieces
I agree about people having the stupid ass misconception that suicide is easy as if you can do it simply and easily anytime….suicide is hard for a variety of reasons….but the main ones is that they make all the “easy” ways of dying extremely hard to access…most methods or painful and not guaranteed to work and they make it absolutely illegal for anybody to assist you in your death. It also takes some grit and balls to actually perform the action that will end your life….some people hesitate when pulling the trigger and end up living with sever brain damage or not cutting deep enough and damaging the nerves in their wrist or swerving right before impact in a car crash and end up paralyzed… the survival instinct is a ***** when it comes to suicide….its not easy to overcome at all….
I don’t think suicide is impulsive at all though….there are different levels of planning involved in suicide but anybody who has killed themselves didn’t decide right then and there suddenly they wanted to die and then killed themselves…usually they consider it over time….now some people may do it randomly but they thought about it before they did it….and other people actually plan when they will do it then they do it…. I just think people fall into different categories of planning but they all thought about it beforehand.
I feel the same way as you do though an I have thoroughly planned my death out. I don’t think my mother deserves this either but I’m not doing this to spite her or because I feel she deserves it….I’m doing this because I fucking despise myself and my existence…I’m not trying to intentionally hurt anybody but its something that I have to accept my death will cause… I know she will be sad and cry but hopefully she can understand when she finds the note…. I’ve done all the living I can… I refuse to continue in a life I really don’t fucking want anyway….all this pain…suffering…and self hatred is consuming and prevents me from living a life like I would have liked…. I have no confidence in myself to do anything but die…so that’s what I will do….and my suicide will come off selfish but its not….and I wish people that are affected by it can open their eyes and forget about themselves for a second to see it that way…but I know i’ll be ridiculed after death….they’ll call me a weak guy, a selfish asshole, a ***** a whatever…they’ll call me it….but I don’t care I’ve had it with this shit….
sorry for rambling on….
I’ve been on a suicide mission for almost a year now. After much research into various methods, decision was made to carry out semi-suspension hanging. Despite my eagerness to die, I tried to enjoy earthly life, I really did. I’m a spiritual, peaceful, calm person, so I pray, meditate etc…But one day I just woke up and realized I don’t want to live here anymore. I’m not interested in spending the rest of my life living like a hamster running the wheel, serving a corrupt selfish corporation. The point here is that everything we do in life requires decision making. Can you imagine a life without free will? Having to stay on this fucking planet and suffer another 100 years?
I feel sorry for you.Your neice is ten she will not forget.My neices who are four and three will probably not remember much of me when i die by suicide.And even if they do remember they wont understand and perhaps it will be for the best and prevent them from doing it one day.
But i do have family who will miss me and will have comprehension of what it means.I am scared of dying but i think its normal to want to turn back after youve done it.So i will do it anyway since thats the way i see my life heading.Death by suicide.
Good thing is my family has held up through a lot of trials and tribulations.I can count on them to hold up when my eventual death comes about.Will they be devastated? yes its suicide it may take years to get over and if there a way to change things for the better i would but right now i can not see it.
I wish you guys all the best. thanks for your replies. I just never imagined planning my own death to be so complicated and horrible.
I used to be one of those ppl who never understood why anyone would wanna ever end their own life but look at me now… I get it and I no longer judge. I might soon end my own life
What’s the rush to leave? Keep talking. How much have you completed?