what do you do

What do you do when you dont want to live anymore but you dont want to hurt your mom and two innocent kids who for some reason look up to you. You cant do it. You cant end it. You have to lay in your bed tossing and turning listening to yourself breathe repeating oh god over and over even though you doubt the existence of a deity, Also I have 2 7 yr old dogs, sounds strange but I dont want to hurt them either, So what do you do? You spend time on SP, you smoke cigarettes, you cut yourself, you feel weak like you might do it anyway despite all the people you’ll hurt, Theres nothing you can do. You wait for a miracle that you know is not coming. You wait for a paradigm shift and hope. But hope is an illusion. You hope for better things but they only get worse, and worse. You become insane. You develop severe mental illness but society will only help you if you commit a criminal act. You want to be strong, you say a few times per day, this is the day that I’m going to turn it around but you already know your just lying to yourself. What do you do? What can you do? I have no idea. I cant wait for death. No more pain, no more anguish, no more torture, peaceful everlasting sleep.