Okay so I think my mood has improved from before or maybe Its just the first time Im posting while Im not feeling down. Its just that I now when I can think clearly I still cant think of  what I want or what the point of doing anything is… There just isnt any other than trying not to become a burden to my folks anymore(I might be graduating college this year assuming I dont fuck up).They’re the only thing that matter to me. Beyond that I dont think there would be anything left tying me to this world.  I just dont find anything truly interesting anymore. I have hobbies like drawing and other stuff (tabletop games, vid games ,TV shows) but I just see those as a way to kill time and Im not able to excel in those things enough for for me to be so passionate about it(I feel that its an empty sort of happiness but I suppose it helps me keep my mind of the stressful things), in fact I just feel bad taking more money from my folks for such things. Its just if I didnt have those Ill just end up doing other more troublesome vices instead. I also lost my interest in people because I feel that are so easy to read  because I also feel that everyone is just the same… and so I dont really feel the need to impress anyone or better myself anymore(while when I was young that was all I tried to do but of course I fail).
Now my folks tell me I should start working out again because I have gotten fat and I say “I dont want to” they ask why and I tell them I dont see the point. they say in a joking manner” you can meet girls?”(never had luck in that area as well) I tell them I dont care about that stuff(but really I have just given up) they say”if not for that you have to for your health at least” I say “I really dont want to” because I couldnt say that I still dont see the point because what is the point of health to someone who doesnt see the point of living?. Even now I know that a lot of people would be happy with just having what I have and I feel bad for that as well and ashamed of that. I just dont know why I cant feel happy and content anymore.