Do you ever just start crying randomly because you think about how much of a mess your life has become? Generally I can block it out and fill it with distractions but tonight, that loneliness hit hard. It’s that type of deep loneliness that even a person being with you wouldn’t fill. It feels unfillable. I try my best to avoid thinking of that, but today it just got me.
The heights humans can go to are inspiring but the depths humans can sink to are equally as endless and I’m testing the path I never wanted to test. Life just  sucks when you suck. Nothin inspirational today, sorry guys, all I’ve got is despair.
6 comments
I know how you feel, I’m always lonely too. I feel like I’m alone even when I’m amongst a crowd, sometimes I’m alone when I’m with “friends”. I’m lonely. Part of me already got used to this feeling though I have nights when it hits me too.
I was never taught how to cry.. i was brought up British.
But despair.. hm. i think the best thing i can ever do to combat that is go to sleep. Let the subconscious get off its lazy ass and work through all the shit that i manged to come up with in the last 16 hrs of wakefulness.
I also keep lots of shiny things around to distract myself..
distraction is key.
You might try a weird british film called Franklyn. It’s not great but it stuck in my mind.
I don’t really cry. On my worst days I feel sick and shut down physically/emotionally. Sometimes music helps me escape from this. I also try to have naps or just go to sleep earlier than usual. And/or eat a lot of snacks.
I’ve been alone my entire life. I mean, I’ve had lots of friends, but I’m a loner by nature. I don’t think I’m exactly lonely… I accept that it’s just gonna be me going through my days and that I can’t expect anyone else to put up with me. I like my solitude, too, but sometimes I wouldn’t mind companionship. I dunno. Oh well, I’m open to whatever life brings my way (if I live long enough for that).
Unfortunately when I have a depressive episode I’m the biggest crier in the world. I’ll do it for hours on end, not bawling, but sobbing on and off until I have a headache or I’m too tired to do it any longer. I’ve had entire days dedicated solely to crying in bed all day.
Loneliness is a large contributor to my depression as well, it’a vicious cycle if you will. I’ve always intended to go out and talk to people and hopefully establish a social connection with them, but whenever I’m confronted with a person I panic and either interact with them as minimally as possible or avoid them all together. I have a secret doubt though that even a friend wouldn’t be sufficient enough to ease my loneliness, longing and heartache.
“It’s that type of deep loneliness that even a person being with you wouldn’t fill. It feels unfillable.”
You’ve articulated it perfectly. That’s exactly what it feels like. In my case I think it is because I have no faith in myself and don’t believe anyone could genuinely care about me. Even if a person were to be with me I would feel empty because their company would feel so phony and impersonal. Until you love yourself no one else can love you as they say.
“Life just sucks when you suck.”
This is my motto pretty much. Perhaps if I didn’t suck so much I wouldn’t be so lonely and depressed. Thanks for your post Sk
I use to do that a lot but apathy has taken over… I use to feel extreme sadness inside but its like whats the point ….you know back when I was “normal” crying made you feel better….it was a release….now its like the “release” is clogged up….when I cried it never made me fell better about shit at all…. I would cry for hours and then afterwords….emptiness….nothing….I didn’t feel better I just felt like it was pointless…. sometimes I tear up from time to time but the voice in my head always reminds me it doesn’t fucking matter….it won’t change any of your problems in the slightest way….and its right….it won’t….
“The heights humans can go to are inspiring but the depths humans can sink to are equally as endless and I’m testing the path I never wanted to test.” – so true couldn’t agree more
@SB “Until you love yourself no one else can love you as they say.Life just sucks when you suck.†– Exactly man….this is why I like SP because sometimes I read things that could have very well come from my own lips….
.@Roak, been looking for some movies lately, I might just check that out.
.@SB yeah I relate so much on the people thing. I see the benefit of human interaction for those who can actually benefit from it. Like ppl who feel they deserve it and are at least equals to their companions but I feel so below everyone anymore, it’s not even worth it. I used to have friends so I know it’s a great way to fill time but I’m too suspicious now of everyone’s intentions for wanting to even acknowledge I exist, that’s it wouldn’t even be slightly funcitonal. I feel bad enough my parents have to interact with me in RL.
If you ever wanna e-mail SB, I’d be cool with that. I like your input and you genuinely make me laugh sometimes. Plus I relate to a lot of what you say on an emotional frequency. My e-mail is k8st eroonis @ yahoo . com no spaces.
@Pain, you’re right it doesn’t accomplish jack shit, and I realized this freshman year of college when I was like sobbing on the floor from straight up depression, and it was such a pathetic feeling to be like…I can’t catch my breath because I’m sobbing uncontrollably about..nothing. Nothing at all. So I’ve pretty much learned to block it all out…but sometimes it just hits me and I can’t shut it off. When I see like my mom all hopeful cause she sees me be a little lighter and crack a joke or 2 and then the way it tears me up when I see her disappointment cause it was only a phase and I’ve sunk deeper… and the fact that life could have gone another way. That it’s solely my fault for focusing my energy in the way that I have. It doesn’t get worse than that. It really doesn’t. Especially when it all feels (and is) irreparable.
Yeah you both hit the nail on the head. I used to think that was a great saying. “no one can love you unless you love yourself.” now I hate it. Cause it’s pretty much been a death sentence for me.