What is the point in trying to live when all you get is pain and trouble, every day. Every day.
I can only feel happy or rather numb these endless feelings of pain when I’m at home doing things I enjoy, and even then that’s no guarantee. I’ve even come to the point of not being able to stop thinking about death and ways to kill myself anymore. If I see a car, I imagine jumping right in front of it. If I walk across a bridge, see a knife, etc… you know.
I also blame my past for that, but it’s more than just that. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts eversince I was 12 or 13. I am 20 now and somehow managed to get this far. But I’m running out of strenght and willpower now. I already have. And no one knows about that. I just want to leave this world…… I just can’t keep on living any longer…
I know I have friends. And I know I have a family. And even though they’ve never been there for me in my past, when I was a child, and ridiculed me, laughed at me, slapped and beat me when I needed them, I know it’d break their heart. But I don’t care about them. It is partly their fault, after all. The only ones I would feel a bit sorry for are my brother and my sister – both older than me. They weren’t any different from my parents when I was still a kid. They were monsters.
And yet, I know they’d get over it some day. They’d one day be able to say “I have a dead brother”, without having to cry.
I do worry about my friends though. They’re only a few people, and yet… I love them with all my heart. But that doesn’t change the fact that I want to die. I long for death. I yearn for death. For peace.
It would break their hearts as well. “We weren’t able to help him. How could we be so blind.” I can already hear them say that. I’d leave them messages, and yet, I know I would destroy their hearts with this selfish act of mine. Even if it’s just for a while. Their pain, too, would cease in time. But I realise they would really miss me.
For those of you who are actually taking the time to read this, you might think: “He hasn’t killed himself so far. And he’s technically got a reason to live, he doesn’t really wanna die. Otherwise he wouldn’t be talking about his friends like that.” But you’re wrong.
I don’t know how much strenght I have left. Almost no strenght at all. I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to do this, before I end my life.
I am pretty certain that I will one day end it by my own hand, anyway.
I’ve only known most of them for about 1 year now, but they’re all I have. I didn’t have any friends when I was younger, back in school. I was bullied every day, for no obvious reason. I guess it just had to be me. Once more.
It’s not any different at work, now that I have a job. They hate me, talk about me. I try to do my best, but they let me know they hate me. And when you’re too busy trying to hold back your tears at work, you make mistakes. Which leads to even more hate and humiliation. No one knows just how fragile I truly am.
I don’t know how I manage to get up in the morning anymore. Let alone fall asleep. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get up tomorrow. I just… want to die… I want to die…
That’s all I can think of anymore. I want to die.
This endless pain is eating me alive. And it won’t stop. Sorrow, tears, hate, pain… I’m breaking.
I’ve been trying to do things that might bring me happiness, or joy. But they don’t. Nothing lasts. Nothing at all. Nothing. Looking at that I am starting to get a feeling as if… I am being… called home… if you understand…
I’m crying. I want to leave this world. I might end it all soon.
I’m breaking.
6 comments
I guess all I can say is, thank you for your words. I myself am at the point that I can’t concentrate for long enough to even write how I feel… But your words describe how much I want to die also… I am broken.
I have come to terms with the fact that I’m not going to go through with committing suicide until I have completely depleted all of my options and resources. I still hold a fragment of hope that someone will give me the exact opportunity I require to save myself from this despair.
When I have moments of things getting so bad that I feel an urgency to end my life, I get straight into bed in my clothes, rock and shake (this is apparently good for the body and I know it feels comforting and works well) while focusing on my breathing. The more your focus on your body and breathing in and fully exhaling with a pause before breathing in again, your mind gets a rest from the pain. The more moments you can get through, the more likely your are of making it through the depression.
Sincerely hope you make it through… As do I !!
I hope that you’re still there. I know that what you are going through is indescribable but please talk to me if you can. My life feels like its tearing me apart . I have different problems from you but I want to talkto you. Honestly i don’t know who will be helping who but please dont give up. Not now, not ever.
My email: hanItry@hotmail.co.uk
No point trust me. Just e pointless and painful long existence for some people. I’m suffering extreme mental and physical pain for the past two years. Future looks very uncertain. Life is pushing me to the edge. I’m planning to take the high road when everything else fails. Will I be able?
I know there’s no point. Humanity is doomed. I’ve seen true evil and worse yet, I’ve seen good men cowardly and selfishly turn their backs.
The future is uncertain… Anyone who thinks otherwise is purely self deluding as a protection mechanism in their !sense of control’.
I too intend on taking the high road if necessary… The only problem is that I already know how much pain I can suffer before its unbearable… Will I be able????
I genuinely feel as I have written… But my circumstances would certainly be different if I was 20 and could make different decisions. First of all, you’re suffering from depression. The unfortunate reality is that you need to save yourself… You’ll rot if you wait for someone else to do it. If I was you, this is what I would do;
1. Go to the doctors or beg a friend to take me. Get antidepressants and sleeping tablets.
2. Find someone to love… Doesn’t need to be a soul mate… Just someone to spend time with, have sex with and get feeling good again.
3. You’ll feel different and can make a new plan at this point (temporary bandaid… But you’re only 20 and have the power to change this situation).
I believe I said I’ve been trying to do things that should make me happy. That also includes a lover and the things you mentioned. And I already know I suffer from depression, hell, that is quite obvious. I still appreciate your comments, though…
I’ve been thinking about going to a doctor and get some meds… it’s just like you said. I’m trying not to kill myself until I’ve depleted all of my options. This one, it seems, is about the only one that’s left though.
And it is so hard to keep going… so very hard…