I felt the dark shadows closing on me the whole last winter. I knew what they were, the really-really black ones, the ones you cannot see but once they arrive you will always feel their presence everywhere, all the time, behind the curtains, in the unlit stairway or in the depths of the socks drawer. Met them twice before. How poetic of me.
So, I figured, if I gonna try to kill myself again why not look around before a bit? Anyways, I can commit suicide anywhere! Why not travel until then? Besides, maybe the whole relocation stuff gonna chase away the fraking shades. So I gave up my whole life this summer. Quit my job, gave away all my stuffs and belongings, left my former appartment, bought a plane ticket and came to London with nothing but a bag on my back.
It was a great plan. Gave me a goal the whole spring and summer, something to look forward to, something to cling to. But you cannot run away from depression, I should have learned that by now. So today I’m at the bottom of the pit again. It’s 4 am, I’m sitting in my bed in a room I rented not long ago and watching pictures of suicide victims on the net. They calm me, give me some kind of sick hope, that even if everything goes all fraked-up I still gonna have a way out of all this.
Sometimes I just hate myself so much. Miss the years when I had a normal life, really, looking back they seems pretty unreal right now, like a dream. I can’t even imagine anymore how is life without the constant fear that some little thing just gonna make me snap again and in a matter of an hour or two I go from happy to looking for a place on the ceiling for the rope, counting sleeping pills in the kitchen cabinet or trying to order some poison online.
How the hell do I suppose to have a life with this whole mess in my goddamn, fraked up brain? A few weeks ago I was fine, wanted to find a new relationship but now that’s all down the drain, isn’t it? The hell would want to meet up with a depressed guy? And anyways, what would we do? Because right now I can’t even find the strenght to get out of bed.
Frak me. No, really. Frak me!
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6 comments
I wish you were in the US…as I am feeling the same way. I have even tried to find some other poor soul ready to go together…For some reason I feel the need to go with someone. It’s hard to trust complete strangers online though. In the end I will probably end up doing this myself alone and lonely. I need to make sure my family is taken care of first. They deserve nothing but the best! Good luck to you and keep your head up!
Definitely can’t run away from Depression; there’s nowhere that far.
Reading about suicides calms me down a bit, but I find it mostly serves as a distraction from my intense restlessness and boredom. One night I was sure it was the end for me and I stayed up until dawn collecting famous suicides, their methods and a conjecture as to why they killed themselves, organizing all this data into a chart. The next day I was horrified and disturbed by my actions.
But, I’m still here. In the present. Praying for someone to invent a time machine so that I can return to the past, and make better decisions.
I don’t know why I post. I am usually very quiet about this stuff. I suppress everything. All my depression, hopelessness, and guilt. I too have searched the internet for methods and saved them on my computer, supplies I may need. Really? What the hell is wrong with me? The one positive thing I can say is I will help my family more being dead than alive, as sad as that sounds…
I’m sorry about your pain and suffering mdmd1234532 🙁
I guess even if I would be there in the US I would hardly be the right candidate to join you. You see, I don’t want to go, I want this fraking depression and suicidal thoughts to go and frak themselves somewhere really-really far.
It’s not death I want, it’s just sometimes life feels so unbearable without any real reason that killing myself suddenly seems a viable alternative. It’s almost like some evil spirit whispering in my ear: “Come on, do it! You know there is no other way, just do it, end it now!”. It totally destroys my personal AND professional life, the whole situation makes me so angry I could scream and shout!
Aww. I am sorry to hear of your struggles as well. Have you considered any sort of counseling? I have found it makes me feel worse but it has helped quite a few people. As for myself, I have a lot of difficulty talking about things..especially with my past. I think that’s why I am so screwed up now as an adult. Sometimes I feel so much pain, I just want it all to be over. I won’t do it though until everything is finalized. I need to make sure everybody is taken care of first. You will get through this. I have actually read quite a bit about this and have found that a lot of times it is just a phase in someones life and within 2-3 month, people do find happiness again. I hope you do too!
Thaks for your kind words, I do hope it will past in the comming moths, but it always harder in the winter time.