As the time draws near and the time for my exit gets close I can’t help but wonder “is this what I really want?”
The end…The final breath…The final speck of light that will flee from my eyes as they go blank as I gaze at the sky….
Is this really what it has come to?
All the hours in school; Pointless
All my memories; Lost
All my progress in life thus far; Gone
All my achievements; Forfeited
All my favorite things; Erased
Everything that I have ever experienced; Forgotten
But as I reflect upon these things I had an epiphany ….Whether I die on the date I have scheduled or not….these things still will be true…
The hours in school will still be pointless
The memories will still be lost
My progress in life will still be gone
My achievements will still be forfeited
My favorite things will still be erased
Everything that I have ever experienced will still. be. forgotten.
See in death…there is no escape…we fool ourselves into thinking this existence somehow matters if you reach old age….when that is a blatant lie….We are all (most of us) delusional….No seriously….we see these idiots talk about “no abortion its murder!” and we cry when a baby dies … “they had their whole lives ahead of them sob sob cry sob”….but….when an old man dies we say “oh he had a long life we should celebrate his longevity”…..so answer me this….without the obvious time difference….what is the difference between the babies death and the old mans death? absolutely nothing….if you remove the time they had on this earth from the equation their deaths are equal…..whether god exists or not…their deaths are still equal….
No matter what comes after death….
This life still ends the same for us all….Old, young, rich, poor, smart, dumb, tall, short, sexy, ugly, gay, straight, christian, atheist, man or woman….it doesn’t matter….you get the same ending….you get no reward at the end of life….
For the last few months weeks days etc etc….I’ve been constantly observing time…how it passes so cruelly…you can’t reason with it…can’t bargain with it…can’t alter it…it goes forward and never looks back…not literally even for a second….our time is finite yet do you notice how much of it is actually stolen from us? …consider this….think of all the times you’ve been at a red light…lets say 3 minutes for every red light….now you’ve been through probably ….lets say….20,000 red lights…..trust me it may seem high but this is a rather low number for 22 years of living and having to travel by car….but anyways 3 minutes X 20,000… that’s 60,000 minutes which equate to 1000 hours which is 41 days doing absolutely nothing but sitting at red lights….I mean…that’s 41 days of time lost to nothing….
So you can imagine all the other trivial things that steal time from us on a day to day basis…
How fast does time really go?
Is it really minute by minute? or does it go faster than the speed of light? see in reality the clock is a clever trick….it ticks second to second in a semi pausing manner that would have you to believe time really “ticks”…it doesn’t….have you ever seen the cartoon “the flash”?….I’m sure you have….but do you see how fast he is?… how he is a blur when he runs and no one can see him? well….time makes him look like a fucking turtle….when we examine time up close ….do you realize time flows by so fast that it can’t be measured?…a yoctosecond is a septillionth of a second (yes septillion is a real number) so imagine what makes up yoctoseconds and then imagine what makes up that which makes up yoctoseconds and so on and so forth….
Really it doesn’t matter much but I just wanted you to just think about how fast time really is…. we make bigger units of time like hours to give it the illusion that it slows down but it doesn’t….its still faster than the flash…
Sometimes I wish I had taken “the blue pill”
The pill that allows many of our fellow citizens to believe in the american dream….
The pill that allows you to believe you are “free” and have “rights”
The pill that allows you to consider paying taxes on your labor patriotic
The pill that allows you to believe our government is controlled by the people it governs
The pill that allows you to think everything will be okay as long as you have enough faith in god
The pill that allows you to think everything they want you to think….
Maybe taking critical thinking from us isn’t a bad idea…. I mean I’m now seriously questioning would I trade awareness for obliviousness….”Ignorance is bliss”….it truly is….now of course that wouldn’t remove my problems but it would remove a nice chunk of it…. probably 45% ….would I trade 45% of my current problems for obliviousness?
I hate looking at my little sister that is in the 5th grade be so optimistic and full of life love and happiness…only to know when she becomes a young adult that life will give her the same cold hard slap in the face it gave me…that it gives all adults…I hate knowing that she may remain “sleep” when she becomes an adult….that she may become greatly influenced by all these disgusting celebrity whores like miley cyrus and “icky” minaj….I just hate it
I feel like such a failure because I won’t be here to show her these things…I won’t be able to tell her “that’s just entertainment”… I won’t be able to teach her about the value of self esteem and how it can destroy you if you don’t have it (I would know since I don’t have it) … I won’t be here to teach her about the “teenage boy playbook”….and I hate myself even more for it….
In a few weeks… I will be gone….erased….non existent….finished….deleted….
When I think about this I don’t get a emotional reaction like you would expect… I don’t know why …. I mean I reflect upon it daily and I never cry or anything….I mean I do have mixed feelings about it but I know this is what I want….death is what I want…. Its just the actual process of dying that is required that bugs me…. I can’t have someone do it for me … I have to gather the courage and strength to make the final push for everything I want all at the scheduled  time…..
its like a rookie boxer getting his shot at the champ….
I have to be ready… I have to be focused …. I have to be sure that when the time comes I will do what needs to be done….there will be no time for fear….no time for second thoughts….no time for failure….no time to reconsider….to time to abort the plan…. it has taken me months to plan this out….It would all be for nothing if I were to fail….
I have no other options….I can either die or live a life I don’t want to live….1 or 2 this or that there is no other choice…
I want to leave this earth once and for all when the time comes…
8 comments
This is long and i haven’t read the whole thing yet, but i got antsy when i reached the time-measurements part, because i wanted to mention the concept of the “Planck Time.” Planck was all about the quantum, and there are various theoretical “smallest possible measurements” bearing his name. The idea is that there is a physical limitation in what we are capable of measuring, due to the physical properties of matter… and this also applies to the precision with which we are capable of measuring time itself.
There are things too small to measure, and things too far away to perceive, right here and now, in this very same universe in which we… are only temporarily aware of existing.
i did read everything, and i must say i agree with pretty much everything… sometimes i wonder myself if “ignorance is bliss” is the way to live nowadays… yet everytime i’ve tried to “take the blue pill” as you say, life has smacked me in the face and proved me once again that you can’t shutdown that part of you that keeps telling you that you just can no longer live a “normal” “happy” life…
funniest thing is that everytime i’ve tried to ask someone why you should be alive if you have no goals and no reason to continue, they say “because you have to” or “because that is the way life is”… sometimes i’ve gotten a “you have to do it for yourself”… they don’t even get the main problem… if you had a reason or motivation that outweights the cons… most likely you would just keep on living
I’ve been left speechless after reading this….
Pain, I read your whole post… Sometimes I think about some of these same things… I have a younger sister and I ask myself how she’d be and how things would be after my death. i don’t have much to say, just good luck. I don’t know how your plan will go but I wish you the best, in life or death, seriously.
I actually got pins and needles reading this for some reason. Id live to be abel to say something to keep you hear. To say that the difference between the baby and the man is that he had a chance to make an impact on the world, a chance to leave an impression on others and have his life shape the lifes of those arround him. Id love to be abel to tell you that as u just argued life is finite and goes so fast that there’s no need to rush its conclusion but i wont. Ill just tell you we love you and wish u the best with what comes next, even tho we will mourn the loss of one of our greatest members, just know if you do decide not to go i think there will be an sp party.
Since I’m not high on sleeping pills anymore, I was going to write a “PS” comment though Procel said it all, if you decide to stay, we’ll have a party on SP lol.
You see things from a very objective point of view. From an individual’s perspective, the time in between nonexistence and the next infinite period of nonexistence means everything, because that’s literally everything to us. Subjectively our time is infinite, because when we die, we’re not aware of it. We just blink out of it and we don’t even know we died, therefore we can’t lament about how we’re no longer able to think or experience. Subjectiveness is everything. Although everything ends with the same conclusions, the equation is different and that’s what makes it significant. The “X” “Y” etc. variables that determine how different out lives are make the “problem” (funny how problem is synonymous to equation, which is what I’m using as an analogy, ha) unique. The complexity of each equation is what makes them either easy and simple or deep and involving much thought and skill in order to reach the answer (which is the same as every other equation. Perhaps the answer to all equations is “42”)
Not everyone will see existence as cynical and negative as you, every person goes through hardships, but the majority of people will not be perpetually hopeless, and more often than you might think, their situations do improve, with effort and perseverance.
Yes, time is perennial, unmalleable or objectionable, every moment is an experience. Waiting at a red light is not time lost, although it may be used more productively, it’s not lost time. Even if you were able to never “waste” time, what would you do with all that extra time? Would you be able to do anything differently than you do now? Don’t tell me you would use it to live life to the fullest, because that’s not realistic, we would be unaware that we have extra time and would probably “waste” it doing something else. Right now could be extra time that we’ve saved taking shortcuts and yet we’re still doing the exact same thing we would be doing if we didn’t have it.
Gah, I completely understand the need to be gone from existence forever, I crave perpetual unconsciousness as you do. You may as well use the remaining time you have left productively or savoring any shreds of happiness you can indulge in. If something makes you even the tiniest bit happy, immerse yourself in it until the time comes. Om shanti.
I will miss you.