And I’m attracted to them, initially.
The pattern goes like this: We meet, hang out and instantly connect. I’m very attracted to his emotional sincerity, creativity, attentiveness, and intelligence. At first, he seems like a dream; only an hour has passed and we feel comfortable talking about our most personal fears, and hopes. We kiss and he’s so romantic and flattering, saying he admires my beauty and kindness. He feels as if he can open up to me, easily reveal himself. I fall even faster; he must be my soulmate with this mutual vulnerability and ease. It’s just so damn easy to feel good around him, to connect. He makes me doubt all of those terrible things I feel about myself, I feel normal and appreciated.
We begin talking about our dark sides, that which we keep hidden from others. I say I’m consistently depressed trying to find purpose in life. I get anxious around people and feel like an outcast; he nods in agreement. A silent pensive pause breaks the intense conversation as we lament our lives, and he works up the courage to tell me something.
“Sometimes I conjure the devil, and he appears to me.”
Shocked by his statement, my hopes disappear. He’s not my soulmate; he’s just mentally ill and shares my desperate loneliness. I stay calm, trying to discern whether he believes these visions to be reality or his mind’s product. Some will claim they are real in a calm and surprisingly sane tone. Others will attempt to rationalize it in a metaphysical “believing is seeing” way. Or, he will vacillate between acknowledging the irrationality of his disturbances–frequently they are very unsettling experiences–and casual comments affirming their validity.
I feel upset. I’ll never find anyone moderately sane (I’m a bit crazy myself) to share such a romance with.
Should I just take what I can get? Instead of being lonely…
5 comments
Who knows? I think i’ve romanticized the mentally imbalanced enough that i prefer them.. though i’m talking more about those with a grip on reality. I don’t know if misery really loves company but at least you’re on the same page.. with someone who shares your perspective… or in the same book.
I guess there’s something to be said for someone with a stable personality.. grounds you a bit? I’ll defer to someone with more experience being human 🙂
I guess if it’s eat scraps or starve….
“Sometimes I conjure the devil, and he appears to me.”
“I prayed to God, and he spoke to me…”
Same thing, IMO.
“Some will claim they are real in a calm and surprisingly sane tone. Others will attempt to rationalize it in a metaphysical “believing is seeing” way. Or, he will vacillate between acknowledging the irrationality of his disturbances–frequently they are very unsettling experiences–and casual comments affirming their validity.”
Every Theist Ever.
I can certainly relate. It’s profoundly discomforting to deal with people like that… and in my region, that’s pretty much all there is. Either that, or totally wild promiscuous extremist pansexual polyamorists… or just straight up diva whores (literally).
Pretty much everyone i know is saturated with cognitive dissonance and delusions.
Even on the internet it’s hard to find someone who isn’t bat-shit-insane.
Honestly… if you don’t feel like the guy is a danger to himself or others, and you can handle frequent dealings with delusional statements, and still enjoy spending time with him… i say go for it. Just stay vigilant and be mindful of potentially problematic situations to develop. If you like him and he likes you, and you both enjoy each other’s company… you might as well enjoy it while you’re alive to do so. At this moment, i would most likely excuse a crazy girl for her craziness, if she was ready and willing. Not really what i want, but you know… scraps or starve.
Also wanted to add: it’s entirely possible for a schizophrenic to have real feelings for another person. So maybe don’t automatically discount the validity of their feelings, just because their minds are filled with fantastical ideas that don’t quite match reality. It’s the psychopaths and sociopaths you gotta watch out for. They don’t feel empathy, and often become very skilled at manipulation and mimicry by adulthood.
You know what, I wish I could meet you. I couldn’t tell you how many women I’ve met that in their own way, was just like that guy. For example one girl i was talking to for a week or two, who in the beginning was seeming more and more like the “one”. when we got to the point where you were at, I talked about my severe depression, my past serious contemplation with suicide, and my severe loneliness. Long story short after the awkward silence she said i was crazy, that depression like that doesn’t exist, that I’m only seeking attention, and that i needed to grow up.
This only strengthens my thought i had posted earlier, I when I see people (including myself) having these problems with people who just don’t understand, who are just crazy like the guy your talking about, or are completely oblivious.
I hate to say it buy drop the crazy *****, you dont deserve to live a lie just to slap on a bandaid to your loneliness.
like in my case i dont want to be with a woman who smokes cigarettes, people say im too picky that i wont find anyone that has the qualities i seek that doesn’t smoke. I refuse to believe that. Im not going to fix my loneliness by being miserable. of course my result in my beliefs has resulted in me being lonely and alone for 10 years.