inheritance

i never wanted a simple life.

Growing up i always wanted to do something amazing, or to have a thousand life experiences.

Well, i ended up getting the latter of the two, and now i think i severely regret it. For i have had many different life experiences and life styles, and it has been a lonely existence. i can say i probably have had more rl friends than most, which i can say is most likely suppose to be a good thing: but they never last.

changes and life and spans of distance always pulls people apart. i dont talk to any of my old friends anymore, and when i try it is awkward and strained: we have nothing substantial to talk about, and no common ground.

i never regret a path in life i have taken, although most probably would. The good seems to shine brighter than the bad, i just wish those memories would have stretched on for longer, if not forever…

i will soon be out of family members, all have gone and left or pushed me aside. The relationship between the ones i have left is growing thin, and the tension will soon snap it, and i will be completely alone.

but that is nothing new, i have felt alone for as long as i can remember.

i find my self thinking of my mom more often these days. i think it is because we now have something in common.  She spent the majority of her life alone, and even with people in her life i have a feeling she still felt alone.    most of that was of her own doing, but i doubt i can say differently about myself.

it just seems far easier and safer, if not at least a tad bit fun to keep people at a distance. Now dont get me wrong, it does suck ass at times, but i say fun because there is still an alluring appeal to it. i mean i can be anyone i want to be, i can say or do anything i want to without there already being a preliminary expectation.

My mom on the other hand was afraid.

She was afraid to give anyone power over her, so she spent her life gathering power. and just never stopped, while at the same time building up a wall so thick that it kept out everyone. Especially the ones that mattered.

Im afraid to turn out like her, but i think it maybe to late, i constantly seem fixated to the lust of power. But i dont think i want power just to flaunt it as she does.

i think/hope my attraction to power is to simply be able to shape a life of my own. An actual life of my choosing, not a second rate better of two evils life.

My mom was always afraid of love, she thought it was a weakness, along with emotions. so she severed her tie to both. her one true love is and always will be money.

I think i have also severed my ties to emotions, the only ones i seem to be able to show are anger and sadness, both of which i cn hide well, but never well enough.

I lust after love more than i long for it, thus taking my down paths that never end well. I tend to jump in to quickly, panic, and destroy all traces of it,

Pain follows me like a dark cloud, not really affecting me, more so it affects everyone around me, im never fully aware of the effects my actions hand out, until after the fact. but even still im hardly bothered to care.i would like to say that that bothers me, but its more of an observation.

I think despite my best wishes i have turned into a twisted reflection of my Parents.