I don’t know how we got there, but we were there, in my bed. Only a white sheet covering your gorgeous body, revealing a patch of chest hair, and my head on your shoulder; my “nook” as you called it.
Whether the light through my curtains signaled dawn or dusk, I couldn’t say, and it didn’t matter anyhow, because you were here with me again. Looking up at you, I asked for a kiss, it’d felt like forever since I’d kissed you, and donning your usual “come hither” smirk, you beckoned “Well, come up here and get one.”
Although you were ever so close to me, that millasecond journey from my lips to yours felt eternal. Closing my eyes, awaiting your gentle pout, reaching out my hands to run through your long hair, I jolted awake. Looking up, searching for you, I found only a pillow without your head, and white sheets without your warmth. They feel so real, these treacherous dreams.
I no longer even dream of you as a ghost, as dead, any longer; My mind knows the agony I feel in your loss, and provides me with these illusions. I never want to wake from them, I want to be lost in my dreams with you. I go to bed early these days, and wake up late, trying to spend as much time with you as I can. I live during the day, on this earth without you, but the night, I spend it with you…
13 comments
beautiful
Thank you. It was very therapeutic to write, but I don’t think anything will ever fill the void his death created in me. If life was fair, we would have died together that night.
Do you ever do things, in your daily life, in James’ name?
I keep a memory box of his clothing, cologne, pictures, a journal he’d written for me, along with a mix CD he made when we began dating, and other various keepsakes. I keep a framed photo of him I took last summer, on my dresser.
Daily, some days I’ll wear his sweater, which is much too big for me :). His mom let have it after his death; our first date/kiss/embrace was in that sweater and I cherish it deeply.
I just try to model his kindness and patience everyday. He was such a loving person to all, and genuinely, purely selfless, something I admired about him. I know everyone idealizes loved ones who die as “great, loving” people, despite them being assholes in life, but James was saintly. Seriously sacrificed himself for others. I try to be that everyday…
What happened to him?
Car crash. He went out with a friend to a bar, and his friend who was driving home suddenly struck a tree, splitting the car in two. He was immediately thrown from the car into the street, dying instantly. James’ friend was thrown in a bush, and survived with a few broken bones. 🙁
I am so sorry for your loss…nothing can ever make it easier…I hope you don’t mind, but if it’s okay with you I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers…
@theforgottenfew
Thank you, and that would be wonderful.
@whyohwhysky
Sometimes when I’m reading the news and I hear of, say, bus crashes where a dozen people or so died, I think of the people like you. I wonder how many others died in spirit when their loved ones were taken by fate.
*sigh* now whenever I hear of similar tragedies in the news, I feel loved ones’ pain deeply. I was almost alone when he died, he was all I had, and now I’m truly alone and broken.
I’m sorry for your loss 🙁
@PainNlife Thank you :/
@whyohwhysky…*gives hug