Idk.. Lately it would seem like nothing matters to me. None of these well thought out and meaningful conversations, or even the fucked up nature of this world.. None of it seems to matter to me lately. I’ve been feeling pretty “depressed”, but not the kind that keeps me from going about my day. It’s a very angry depression with a touch of sadness. But I’m not too big on sadness. Sometimes when I start to get too sad, I eventually have to laugh at myself for being who I am and living the life I live, just everything..it’s fucked and I just have to laugh sometimes.
But I see a gathering amongst you all out there, one that is feeling the need to reach out for the methodology of a successful exit plan. My heart goes out to you. I know of no easy way to leave this life. I’m banking on heart failure myself. Good old fashion heart failure. That or cancer. You may not be able to choose where and how you go out but atleast you can be confident in the inevitability of the end result of your life, that you can be sure of.
Lately I’ve been living my life as if I actually care to make my life better, when I know for a fact that it just can’t. I don’t know why I’ve been trying so hard, I just ..don’t care, I guess. I don’t care how hard it is anymore. I don’t care how much it hurts. I don’t care how stupid I feel, or how silly I look. I simply don’t give a flying fuck anymore.
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Because when all else fails, it feels somehow satisfying to thrash around and/or break shit. It’s those moments i’m most tempted to destroy myself.
Lately i’ve been having some surreal moments… like deeper and more profound understanding and acceptance of the idea that i am actually going to be dead, soon. Kinda makes it hard to do anything at all. I’m gonna be dead, and that’s it. My life sucked ass and none of my efforts or struggles ever accomplished anything worth fighting for. My origin did not allow me to access any viable path to survival and beyond. I did what i could with what was available, but the right choices were never available to make… and so all this anguish and strife i’ve endured and tried to change for so long… there was no point. There was always nothing but doom, and my choices never even mattered. Everything i’ve ever known, everything i’ve ever tried, everything anyone will ever remember about me… it was all utterly irrelevant and superfluous. I feel like i’ve completely lost interest in this life… and i don’t even really have anything else to say. I don’t want to talk to anyone, or think about anything. I only want to make enough money so i can be my own person, but i can’t even do that. I have too little left to give, even for my own survival. I literally want to just lie down and die. No note, no explanations, no arrangements, no goodbyes… just the end. I just want to be done with this rotten life.
And yet i find myself here posting, and when i’m not doing that, i’m trying to force myself through the motions of trying to find… something… anything… a legitimately functional, valid, effective solution, to make ‘this’ better enough to be worth even one more breath… but i don’t even believe such a thing exists.
“Arriving at the edge I pause and wait.
But no glimmer of hope brightens the gloom.
Sinking into oblivion I descend
To the darkness that ever was my doom.”
Stanza from a poem I wrote when I was 17. @Clevername
@ clevername; I disagree with you. Your life might seem meaningless to you, but you have made a positive impact on others. That alone might not be enough reason for you to carry on, you have to decide for yourself what makes life worthwhile. It sounds like you’re working on that, and I wish you the best.
Your life might seem “utterly irrelevant and superfluous” to you, but to others it’s not. I don’t mean to sound sickeningly optimistic or drown you in tired platitudes, but whether you realize it or not, you have made a difference. You’ve made positive, worthwhile contributions and if you choose to leave you will be missed.
(Geez. I sound like a chick).