I wish my life could be given to someone that can really appreciate it because I don’t want to live anymore. Life is unfair. And my parents don’t even care, they just think I’m exaggerating. I want to die for once but I’m a coward and I just don’t dare to do it. I expect too much from people and I can’t stand this loneliness. I don’t understand why me, why do I have to be so alone. Loneliness hurts. I’ts this world’s worst kind of pain. I just don’t want to suffer like this anymore.
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“I wish my life could be given to someone that can really appreciate it…”
You don’t appreciate your life.
“Life is unfair.”
Yes it is.
“And my parents don’t even care, they just think I’m exaggerating.”
And what do you expect them to do about life being unfair?
“I expect too much from people and I can’t stand this loneliness.”
Then stop expecting so much from people. When you expect too much from people, they tend to not want to deal with your *unfair and *exaggerated requirements. If this repeats often enough, you will surely spend a lot of time alone.
“I don’t understand why me, why do I have to be so alone.”
You are alone because you haven’t encountered someone who wants to spend time with you. See previous thoughts. Being not-alone requires that another person chooses to spend time with you, often due to enjoying your company more than they think they would enjoy the company of another.
“Loneliness hurts.”
Yes it does.
“It’s this world’s worst kind of pain.”
I disagree.
Ever been violently sick? Ever had a broken bone? Ever had spinal/cranial nerve damage? Ever had “road rash,” or had a large portion of flesh shredded off, leaving the lower layers exposed? Ever felt a flame directly against your flesh? I would argue that all of these things, and more i didn’t mention, surely hurt worse than loneliness.
“I just don’t want to suffer like this anymore.”
Neither do i. But i haven’t encountered anyone who thinks spending time with me would be enjoyable. People are unfair and expect too much, and exaggerate my flaws. No one is giving me permission to share their time… and that’s not my choice, whether they do or don’t, so all i can do is live with it until it changes, whether that change comes from finding someone, or death. I have asked and been denied, and this has repeated so many times, that i have stopped asking. Everyone seems to expect or demand more than i can ever be, so there is no use even asking. I figure if there is anyone who would want me, she’ll let me know. If no one ever lets me know, then there wasn’t anyone i should bother asking.
Clevername covered that pretty thoroughly.
What kind of expectations do you have of people that you think are unrealistic, Alice?
It’s obvious I don’t appreciate my life.
Loneliness can’t be compared with physical pain.
I do so much for others but no one is there for me. I expect for them to be as kind. But no.
Oh, and about my parents, I expect them to be there for me and understand what is happening to me, not to do something about life being unfair…
@AliceUchiha
Physical pain and emotional pain are not comparable as they are, at least in my eyes, on two different scales. Two different dimensions. I’ve found that most people I know agree with that.
In time, though I’ve only been around a measly 18 years, I’ve found that I should not go into any relationship (friendly or otherwise) expecting anything. Should the other person choose not to give me the courtesy that I believe should be afforded to me, then I won’t continue to pursue a relationship with them unless it’s absolutely vital that I should. I suggest you do the same. By simply cutting these people out of my life, I’ve slowly but surely developed a core of people I can trust. Even though it’s extraordinarily small, it’s better than nothing.
This isn’t to say you shouldn’t develop expectations for a person as you’ve come to know someone, like a spouse or a best friend as an example–you’d expect them to be the person they’ve always been, and keep doing the positive and supportive things that have developed the relationship between you and them. But expectations nonetheless come later. If it’s a parent that bothers you, you needn’t worry about that either. My mother was a mentally unstable drug addict and I cleanly cut her from my life. My father was a mentally abusive alcoholic and he is also for the most part out of my life. I’ve been living with a friend as I finish up high school. Moving to a more positive environment was the first step in quelling my urges to commit suicide. Though I still have some issues to work out, the positive environment alleviated a lot. Yeah, I’m lonely, but in comparison to everything else the loneliness dulls.
I have no hope. I’ve heard all that too many times.
All this makes me want to kill myself even more.
Have you ever tried any of the potential solutions offered towards you?
Expecting kindness is an easy mistake to make.
I would even say it’s a stretch to expect common decency… but i can’t say it’s wrong to insist people at least try to act appropriately in any given scenario.
Life sucks for lots of people, and the experiences that what i would call “most people” encounter, lead them away from naturally caring about others, or being considerate enough to not arbitrarily cause needless problems for others.
The hypothetically simple solutions is to control yourself and your environment, so that you can make yourself feel however you want, with the absolute minimum amount of requirement to appease anyone else… but in reality, without the necessary resources, this is incredibly difficult to accomplish. Easy to figure out, hard to actualize.
The only way most people can hope to accomplish this is through calculated compromise. You have to be willing to tolerate a certain amount of discomfort, in order to gain something worth more than the pain it takes to gain it. Many, many people, do not even have a way to trade justifiable discomfort for appropriately sufficient gains. Most of us, i think, are forced to be “inefficient,” and trade far more of ourselves than we’re actually willing, in order to gain the seemingly minimal things/experiences/circumstances we both want and need. It’s depressing.
On the other hand, if you can manage to setup a system that gives you enough of what you want and need, without taking too much of you in exchange, then i think you can still find a semblance of happiness, peace, and an elevated chance to find a worthy companion, with whom to share your time.
I tried therapy but she couldn’t help me with my past experiences that made me who I am now.
There is something missing in my life, I don’t know if it is love, or simply someone to hold me, or what. I feel like I desperately need something to save my life. I don’t even know if I’ll ever find it but this feeling gets stronger and stronger and it interferes with my studies. I’m so behind with university subjects that I feel I’m trapped and lost into something I can’t get out of.
I’m curious what kind of response you are looking for. I don’t offer advice. I have great empathy for people who suffer so much they want to end their lives. If you have no one you can really talk to and trust in your location, I hope you find someone through the internet. Sometimes a strong bond with another you can share your heart with will change your life and the life of the person you are sharing with. I found such a person and I feel privileged beyond expression that she/he trusts me with everything. Unfortunately, too many people try to blindly help others, offer advice or deconstruct their thoughts without understanding the privilege of which I speak.
That’s always the problem: how to get from here, to where you want/need to be.
It’s easy to just say “the past is the past, and though it lead to who/where/what i am today, i cannot change it, and can only accept it as it was.”
But then comes the real challenge: what to do about it… how to do it… and everything else that comes with that.
Honestly, no one has those answers.
The most important part of it is that you need to be motivated to do it, somehow, and you’re the only one who can figure out how to motivate yourself. You gotta get past the problems to arrive at what they’re blocking. You have to get past the problems, to find what’s missing… despite the fact that it feels like you just can’t do it, without whatever is missing. Doing without what’s missing, until you find it, or even if you never do, is the only available path.
Maybe you need to become infatuated, obsessed with your studies, and just forget everything else. And once you get past the school part, you can re-evaluate your position among your circumstances, and then try to decide where to go, what to do, how to get there.
You don’t have to suffer this pain unless you have hope. And if you’re still suffering from this pain then that means that you haven’t given up because you still believe that something can change. And it can. Keep that hope alive and it will guide you towards happiness. But only if you fight through the pain. Things can change when you fight, and it seems like that’s what you’re doing. So keep going. Keep fighting even when things look like they aren’t gonna change. Anyways I hope you make it out alive.
Never give up. You fight…you fight for your life. I think that people who have never felt what wanting to die feels like don’t understand that it feels like a real and present entity within that becomes something that seems to be a thought or feeling alive inside you (or me). That is how it felt for me. I stayed alive because I told myself that the darkness would lift, that I just cannot see around the corner of the road I am on, and if I just hold on and don’t take action, time will go by and we will go around the corner and I will see more clearly. Sometimes it was days, sometimes weeks, but always the darkest times seemed to come before a spiritual breakthrough or some very good thing that was about to happen.
Also, I discovered that there are no endings. I now believe that my relationships don’t end when I die, nor does my entity. And I found out that when I wanted to kill myself, I really wanted to make some things disappear, and instead of being able to be aggressive toward others, I became aggressive and blaming and shaming toward myself. It was like hurting myself was my joining with others (who wanted to hurt me). I’m proud, because instead of using a knife, I used a paint brush. Instead of pounding on my chest, I decided to completely feel, really feel my pain and listen to my own crying…really listen. I listened so completely one day when alone in my little house, I actually heard my self crying in different voices. I was never the same after that day. A peace set into myself or my-selves in a way that I’ve never felt before or after. Everything wasn’t perfect after that, but I was more whole.
I need God. Everyday. I’ll never be a cheerleader type, but I love myself now. I hope for you that you will too. You and God.
“I expect too much from people and I can’t stand this loneliness. I don’t understand why me, why do I have to be so alone. Loneliness hurts. I’ts this world’s worst kind of pain.”
I think the same and I alwats expect too much from people; I understand what you feel, Alice.
I just hope you can find someone to trust, I think that you really need a friend. I wish lots of peace to you.