blame game

i know she is hurt and that’s why she freak out. and i know how social status is almost part of her soul and that’s why she can never accept my differentness from them. but she never look past your own hurt. but she is not to blamed… i know how strong their indoctrination is. i am to be blamed, for i’m the the one who is awake here and yet not stopping this hatred.  i am to be blamed for being weak.

but no, this weakness is result of their upbringing and environment. so what’s left is: i am to be blamed for being awake. but i didn’t ask for it? “i was born with this curse”, as John Constantine said (and Gabriel corrects him that its a gift). now i understand the agony of the character of notes from underground for not being able to blame ‘laws of nature’ for his acute consciousness. somebody should be wrong somewhere. how can i suffer without a reason? Why should i suffer without a reason?