And so it continues..

So, I posted last night about a bit of basics that’s been going on and, well, today it got worse. My mom came home from California today and when I saw her the first words out of her mouth were “you’ll never succeed, you’re not going to graduate.” Not “Hi son! Great to see you again!” I started to come out to her about my depression lately but had to stop early due to the fact she interrupted me and criticized me about thinking those things. Not to mention that built up on top of me talking to my ex today about what I’ve been doing the past few days, taking mass amounts of pills making me puke my guts up and what not and she didn’t help one bit. When I first met her she was having suicidal thoughts.. When we started dating she told me about how she would cut and how shes been doing it for so long and couldn’t stop. I told her that god gave me you to help you get through all your problems and make you a better person. What I didn’t realize is that I took in so much of her depression that it started affecting me. Now I’m not trying to blame my depression on her but she is where it all started. I hate talking to people in person, but all I’ve been doing all my life is just bottling up my emotions and one day later in my life that bottle explodes on the smallest thing and that’s not good. So now that I tried talking to someone (my mom) I realized that that is the worst idea in the world.. I have started up my same routines again, by putting the same gun to my head and counting to 3.. but once i get to 2 I stop, drop the gun, and just cry.. I know that it’s not manly for a guy to cry but its either cry or get to 3.. What should I do know? Ive tried talking to someone in person about my problems. But it just made everything much much worse.. Help..God Gave Me You