Being suicidal is probably the worst state of mind you could possibly have. When it’s no longer if you’ll take your own life but just a matter of when, you’re bound to be a different person than you were before you became set on that decision. Everything is soured. I couldn’t even watch Kung fu panda because all the wise messages within that movie make me feel like shit. I used to like that movie for the cute humor and it was kind of inspiring in a way as well. It’s like another language now. Positivity and wisdom are like languages from my distant past that I can recognize as familiar tongues whenever I hear it spoken but I don’t get it anymore. It’s like being born around ppl who speak Spanish and you learn your first words in that language but when you turn 6 or so you get taken to a land where everyone speaks English and then one day later in life you hear Spanish and you know what it is. It’s just been so long since you last spoke it that you can’t converse in it any longer.
I even even turned a nice game of cards with my dad where I was losing horribly into a metaphor for my life. I was down so many points that it would have taken a miracle to come back and my dad kept saying you never know!! And I was like chances are it won’t happen. It’s too far gone. The whole time I was saying this I meant me too. I can’t even enjoy a nice fucking game of cards with my loving father Without relating it back to how I lose in games just how I’ve lost in life.
Since I don’t believe in life after death I kept thinking how nice it will be to not exist at all. But then it just made me so pissed off that since I’ll be going anyways, why couldn’t I have just made the best of this time? It pisses me off how far gone I am and how it didn’t need to end up like this. I’m convinced there is no worse state of mind than the suicidal one. Giving up on yourself feels so heart wrenching but necessary to me. It’s not that I don’t want to live. I get how life could be enjoyable. I see so many other people doing just that. Enjoying it. There’s just a point for everyone where when you reach it, you’ll know there’s no going back. All the decisions I’ve made have sadly brought me to thAt point of no return. Some lived truly aren’t salvageable as sad as it is. Living every day with this complete knowledge is literally the worst thing I could ever imagine. I live my worst nightmare every single day and I’d wish this on no one. Not even the people I feel very personally wronged by. I just wish I could go now. Sorry for the spewage of utter hopelessness. I guess I should get a journal or something. But it’s not like this site is any stranger to rants like this.
8 comments
Being suicidal is a very bad place to be. After all, everything seems to pale in comparison with losing the will to live.
I can relate to your feeling of wasting/ screwing up your life to the point that it feels that it is too late to change. I’ve grown almost complacent if not comforted in the fact that suicide is there. Do I truly want to finish myself off? No. Do I feel an undeniably strong pull to it? Very much, so. The only thing that has held me back thus far is the agony it would give a very small group of people I know, even though I think that they would be better off without me.
Anyway, that aside; what, if it isn’t to personal to you, do you think are the causes of you not measuring up to what you think you should be?
dang.. that bad..?
=/
“The past is history, tomorrow’s a mystery, but today… is a gift; that’s why they call it ‘the present.’ “
I like your rant. Makes me feel I have something in common with someone else even if it is crazy. I know what your saying about turning things into metaphors. I broke down crying in my kitchen last week because the pull tab on a tin of bins broke off. I just kept thinking I can’t even feed myself without something going wrong. It’s life telling me to give up and fuck off. I wish I was able to enjoy life. I really really do wish that. But it’s just not meant to be. Life is to hard painful and hurtful for many of us. Once suicide becomes a solution in your mind I think it’s too late, your half way there.
Is this my innerself speaking? It sure sounds like it. You are not speaking a strange language to me.
I’m not going going to be a victim of suicide I’m going to be the one that choose his fate.
Nah I don’t mind sharing marinemike. One of the main reasons is I have really severe acne scarring and even tho they say looks don’t matter, when you become disfigured you realize that just isn’t true. The thing is I didnt always look different and so I know how I was treated before my scarring and I have something to compare it to now that I do look this way. Even old ppl who are supposed to be wise and not judge on looks treat me like I’m a mutant and just don’t measure up. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I feel as if it’s just a slight reflection on the outside of how “far gone” I really am on the inside. Even if I were to get everything straightened out inside (which is nearly impossible) I would have my face in the mirror telling me how bad it can get every single day. It’s just too much to deal with and led me to isolate over the last 2 years (I’m 22 btw).
Clever that’s one of ’em that was there. I used to really like that quote until the present started to feel more like a heavy weight of coal I dragged everywhere.
@steven yes!!!! You really do get it. And then you feel like a fool for making something so trivial relate to why you should kill yourself. I get mad over shit I NEVER would have out so much weight on before. I agree. Once you want to leave life and you have no will to change what needs changing and so much feels out of your control how/why come back from that? You got here to this decision for a reason. The pain and everything else was too much. Why would you turn back in the direction of what’s causing pain when it most likely will repeat itself? It just doesn’t make sense to me
It’s a present in the form of potential. Potential has a sort of intrinsic, infinite value… but at the same time, it is only worth what is actually done with it.
Let’s say i have “100% potential,” but am only able to actualize 2% of it: i will feel terrible about that.
Now, let’s say someone else has “3% potential,” and is able to actualize 100% of it. 3% of what i could do, is still 50% more than what i have actually done. That person will feel fulfilled, to some degree, because they were able to do what they could do, even if it wasn’t much. I might realize 10% of my potential, doing 3 times as well as the other person, but i’ll still feel only 10% “fulfilled.”
Potential is an interesting thing. On one hand, it’s immensely valuable, but on the other, it’s completely worthless, aside from the value of suffering created by being unable to actualize it.
Suffering has value. Efforts must result in gains greater than or equal to, that suffering value. If not, it’s not “worth doing.”
Even though i dislike my present, and don’t see that it is “worth doing,” i still like the quote. Maybe i’m biased because i’m also a kung fu enthusiast.