I’ve smiled all my life. Since I learned how to smile when I was a baby. All of them was real till I turned 7. When I was 7 I learnt how to keep others happy by smiling myself even though it never really was a real smile. I kept my best friend oblivious to how I felt inside. She thought I was happy but inside… Inside I was tearing apart because my dad had moved even further away from me. He lived with me and mom, happily married, playing with me. Then they fell apart. He stayed in the same country for a little while then he moved all the way to Venezuela. I visited him maybe once a year cause it was illegal for mom to keep me away from him. Then my dad decided to move to argentina which was even further away. He got another wife and my first baby sister, Penelope, I was happy I was a big sister. But oh so sad they were far away. My sadness grew worse when he moved to Mexico and he got a baby boy there with his wife. Maximo. I was overly happy to be a big sister again! But at home with mom, another man stole mom from me, mom never had time to help me with homework anymore or watch a movie with me. Didn’t even tuck me in so I’d fall asleep ontop of the blanket and wake up freezing cold. everything was falling apart… I still smiled though and told everyone I was happy, that I was fine, that I liked being at home. I lied so much…. Now I have 5 siblings. Oldest to youngest it’s Penelope, Frøya, Maximo, Trym and Benjamin. Benjamin is 5 weeks or so old, I still haven’t met him. I might meet him this Christmas/winter holidays. I hope I do. I’m 15 now, Penelope is 6, Frøya is 5, Maximo is 4, Trym is 3. Yeah I know. Every year a new sibling and then suddenly 3 years later yet another. *sigh* I’m still fake smiling.
When I was bullied I smiled after having a bruised face, pounding head, bleeding nose and a burn on my arm just to prove to others it wasn’t that bad. But oh it was. They all called me horrible names too. They called me a skeleton one day and the next they called me obese, I was confused. Now I’m insecure about my looks, my weight, my hair, make-up or no make-up, clothes. Everything is so hard. I’m a Tom-boy mostly because of me being more like my dad and because I was bullied so much I needed a wall to hide behind. I kept on smiling, mom and the whole family was oblivious to what happened. And when I told my mom she didn’t believe me at all And dismissed it till the bruise on my stomach from a kick there I told her about started to show. She told me I had hurt myself just to prove it to her and to get other kids in trouble for something they never did. I smiled and said “ok” and went up to my room, waited till mom went to bed and cried and cried and cried. Last time I had a genuine hug/cuddle/kiss on the cheek/tucking in/ story before bed was when I was 7. That was the very last time…
Im still smiling though even though I’m shattered inside.
A smile can hide more than you think so learn to read eyes because they show the truth…
8 comments
I know what you mean, ofcourse I have a totally different life (my parents are still together), but I’m also that kind of person that’s always smiling. I never told anyone how I felt or what was really going om in my life, despite I had a pretty good relation with my parents. But my father is biploar, my sister is someone who needs a lot of attention and my mother had her hands full.with both of them, she couldn’t handle anything more, so I decided to be always the happy kid from the age of 5, I didn’t wanted my mother to worry about another thing. That hiding of my feelings, made me stronger, but it’s also a weakness. There are things that my parents didn’t knew, like the bullying, because they bullied me too, they also have beaten me up, called me names and stuff like that. My parents knew I was bullied, but they never knew I was bullied that bad, until a few months ago. They could’ve helped me better if I had told it them then, but I didn’t, ‘for protecction of my parents’. Nowadays I still have a hard time with showing my real feelings, tellimg what I feel, and it’s really not helping me with getting treatmwnt, because people see a happy me and believe I’m happy and I can’t convince them that I’m not. Yes, that smile is fucking handful sometimes, but when you really need someone, they can’t help you well, because you fake everything
I know little angel… It’s hard dealing with it. I have some friends who know me so well they just need to look in my eyes even if I got a big smile on my face and they know immediately that something is wrong. But that didnt stop me from faking it. My mom says I’m inable to communicate properly with humans what I mean through speaking, my writing gets better but speaking and explaining what I mean are usually a jumble. It gets annoying but I can’t help it… I just wish someone would be there for me to just take my hand and lewd me along the way for a little while because I’m so tired of it all, I feel like everything is standing on two poles made of very weak stone and everytime someone makes me stress, sad, cry and I have to put on that fake smile again they a chipping away at that rock and eventually someone will chip away the last little bit keeping everything up and make everything come crashing down right on top of me which is probably when I’ll give up too.
I understand it, I think you explained it very well 🙂 I’m trying to show a little bit of my real me, but it’s so hard, that it’s breaking me…
I am actually showing the real me through this website. It helps a bit I suppose but I still feel like I’m edging closer and closer to the edge of a 50 story high building and eventually I’ll slip off. I just hope, when that happens, someone will grab my hand as I fall and pull me back. I had a dream like that actually once. Do you have anyone you could talk to? I don’t have many people to talk to since one of them would have fake sympathy, another would joke about it and the last one… I’m actually not sure. I suppose that the last one is the person who’ll grab my hand as I fall. Does that make any sense, little angel?
Well, I have a good friend from the time I was in a psychiatric hospital unit, and I have a boyfriend, that I met through this site (I know, that’s incredible) and yeah.. I can talk to them, but not about everything, like I can’t tell them how I felt while I was making that cut or so, or how I want to end my life. I really hope for you that that person (who’ll grab your hand as you fall) will be there for you before you’re on the edge of a building 🙂 you deserve that, hun.
Yes that is incredible!
Yeah… There’s not everything you can always tell them.
Like my boyfriend, I’m not able to tell him everything so I directed him to this website,
And the comments so that he knows how I feel. His love didn’t change for me actually.
Thanks little angel but I don’t think I deserve it…
Sissi, I am really honest if I sat that you DO deserve that. Everyone should deserve that, so you too. Don’t be so hard on yourself, it’s not going to make things easier for you, indeed you make things harder for yourself. Every person has positive things in themselfs, you just have to find them. I’m not going to tell you that’s easy, but believe me, it’s worth it.
I suppose that everyone deserves it but I don’t do yet.
Hard on myself?
I suppose one positive is that I’m not too bad at Art…