Keeping My Head Up.

I’ve gotten a lot better. Or at least I like to think that way.
I almost had an anxiety attack the other night, but I called my boyfriend in and asked for a pill to make me go to sleep. He didn’t ask questions and gave me the little herbal knock-out pill. The other night at work when things got completely out of control, I could have broken down, I wanted to break down. But I didn’t.
I got into that wreck today and I screamed at myself for a minute. My boyfriend told me he’d stay home with me tonight if he needed to.
I told him he didn’t have to and I would be okay.
Now I’m sitting in my living room in the apartment that I work so hard in keeping, having it nice and clean, smelling of honeydew melon, watching Pewdiepie on Youtube.
I am content. I am able to look back on my accident today and 1)Be grateful no one got hurt, and 2)laugh about the simple fact I actually got into an accident.
Although one thing did upset me. When I got into the accident, I first called my father. I didn’t know what to do. The other kid was already on his phone (he is my age too, ironically in the same math class in college) and doing his thing. I called my father, he came. Although he didn’t ask me if I was okay until after we took the car to the repair shop. As a father, shouldn’t that have been his first thought? To see if his daughter was alright? Or does he have that much faith in me, that I could get through whatever happened? I just don’t know what to think.
I am 19 years old and this is my first accident. I found myself an hour later on the phone with the insurance company, making all sorts of phonecalls, going through the routines. If this had been but five years earlier, I wouldn’t have been able to do it.
I’ve gotten over my social anxiety to the point some people were staying in the condo I’m living in and they invited me to dinner. And I actually went. I couldn’t believe it. I was by myself having dinner with these people I didn’t know. I didn’t panic.
That has to count for something, right?
I’m trying. I really am. I want to be over the sadness. I want to be happy.