I lie there with the pills in my hand, so many times i’ve tried but can’t quite do it. From the outside everything appears fine; decent job, car, house. But, to be alone in your thirties with no kids, no friends, and a family that despises you for everything you’ve put them thru hurts in ways that are inexplicable. Having bipolar, and borderline personality disorder is becoming too much. Last night I had my pills in hand but reached out to a “friend” telling her I needed help and would not make it to dinner. Her reply “take care of yourself”. It killed me. I pray every day “God please take my life and give another person thats deserving of life, a child perhaps or a mom with kids-but don’t waste your time keeping me here.”
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Im 47, no kids, was married to a piece of filth for 14 years, a lot of my family doesnt care about mom or I, but you know what? It doesnt define who YOU are.
You are worthy of living, really. You feel you arent because you judge yourself based on what others are like. Dont do that.
I was where you are, Aug 30th I had said “I had enough” after being severely stressed earlier in the day when my wife left me.
But, now I can look back and say it was for the better.
And since you are even younger than I am, you will one day as well.
🙂
@Forever27club
I truly feel you. I also have BPD, major depression, anxiety, and chronic pain (fibro/tmjd/migraine). I’m so close to the edge too most of the time, and don’t know what to do. I often say those same things you wrote above.
Your choice of name is interesting to me, because I turned 27 in October and have rationalized it as a “worthy time to die”. Doesn’t help that I’m also an artist, and have long admired many of the creative people that perished at this age.
For whatever it’s worth, I’ll be your friend. We inhabit a similar space.
I pray for God to take me home all the time.
Hi, first of all the pills…dont do it, I did. Really hard to od on pills, experience talking. It only put me in the hospital twice. And “they” resented me for it, however I really wanted to die…def wasnt looking for attention. I have/had kids….I had everything, to the outside world, well they never knew my internal world!!! My kids have left me, that’s all i really want to say about that. However, as for your friend telling you to take care of yourself. My best friend, who has left me as of recently. She told me repeatedly to take care of myself. I really just didnt get it or didnt listen. So all I can tell you is to take care of yourself. You really have to. You really have to get it!!! I can tell you that things for me are bad, and that I wont be around much longer. Please do not let it get to that point.
your email? im waiting 🙂