Don’t know what to do….

I suppose this becomes my home again, for the next little while. The one place I will just keep returning to, until my life is finally ended. The only real place for me. I just keep getting my heart destroyed. This time is different, though. I mean, I don’t fall for just any person, but when I do fall for someone, I fall so fast and so hard. I just don’t know what to do without him. I am not even sure what I am anymore. I was once bisexual. Technically, I still am. Could totally copulate with either gender, but I do have to be in love with them. In the last year, though, I have found myself more inclined towards other males. I don’t know why. Maybe their personalities. However, then I fell for this guy. After having two horrendous rejection/abandonments, I met this guy. I drove 500 miles there to see him. We had the most spectacular time together. He said he wanted to be together, and then, when I was leaving, he said he couldn’t. To quote him precisely, “I thought I could be this, but I can’t”, and “maybe someday, but not now”. Of the things I know about him, he is 100% gay. There is no question of that, but I also know he doesn’t ever want to come out to anyone….

All of this was five months ago. I haven’t stopped thinking of him for a single moment, ever since. I tried so many times to get in contact with him, but he refuses. I asked if we could be friends, and his response was, “You know we can’t”, before he cut off contact, and I haven’t heard from him sense. I don’t understand that. I have tried to contact him, but he won’t tell me to “fuck off”, which I told him was a perfectly acceptable answer, he won’t let us be friends, he won’t tell me he never wants to talk to me again. I even asked him to send me a restraining order, just so I could finally have some peace of mind, but nothing. He won’t send anything. He just keeps avoiding me. Even gave his phone to a friend, when I texted him, and had that person call me, and say it was the wrong number. He didn’t tell me to go away. It is so horrible not having any closure, and still loving him this much, just hoping that no answer, is a good answer. What a fool I am….

In the end, I just get abandoned by every person I fall for. It wouldn’t be so bad if I weren’t designed for love. It is my sole reason for existing, just to find a mate, and for some reason, I can’t even have a short term relationship. I did have one relationship, for only 5 months. That was earlier this year. He was only trying to figure out his sexuality, and see if he could love me. In the end, he couldn’t love me, and then abandoned me without a word, for two weeks to chase some other guy. Then, after ending up in a bad situation, he came back to ask for my help with getting this other guy. I have not had a single real relationship. I have tried every degree of trying. I have tried so many different things, but I am simply unlovable. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I don’t know what I do wrong. I am just not worthy of love. Even though I would be the best mate that anyone could ever ask for, but no one wants me. I like to think I am not that ugly, but here we are, and I can’t find someone. Yeah, perhaps I am attracted to people who are physically outside of my range, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t develop romantic feelings for people across a certain line…. Ironically, I have even turned down some quite attractive people, because their personality just didn’t mesh with mine, or they were just intellectually boring.

I guess, we always want most, what we can never have. My siblings, both my brother and my sister, they have always been in relationships. Both have had three boyfriends each. My brother is also gay. They are both younger siblings, but they always have someone. I have never had anyone. I am just always alone, and I don’t know why. I really thought this was the one. He even seemed to really fall in love with me, I thought, but he won’t even talk to me. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone before. On top of that, I gave him my virginity. I had always hoped to be with one lover for my whole life, but we don’t live in that kind of world. I mean, I had done oral and stuff with other people, so it’s not like I was attached to him, just because of the sex, and also, maybe I wasn’t completely a virgin, but it still meant something to me. Anyhow, it was more than that. I think I loved him before I even met him in person. We just got along so well. Now, it’s just so fucked. I don’t think I will ever hear from him again. I worry constantly that he is seeing someone else, but at the same time, he never got back on either of the dating sites he was on, and one of which, he didn’t even know I had found out about. Plus, it seems like he could tell me off pretty easily, if he had found someone else. It doesn’t matter, I guess, because it ends the same as it always does for me. I just don’t know what else to do. I am helpless, and I have been suicidal over ever rejection I have ever had, but he was the first one who made me feel like living. Now, though, I look at my life, and I think of it without him, and it hurts worse than ever. I can’t handle a life without him. We had something so beautiful, and now it’s gone.

I honestly don’t even know what to do with my life.  I have always known exactly what I want. I am surprisingly intelligent, and capable of literally anything. But I just don’t care about anything in the world, anymore. In the beginning of my life, I had nothing. My family treated me like an outcast, I was bullied and isolated in school, I was rejected by everyone. I wanted nice clothes, and to be popular, or at least well liked, and have nice things, but it was my siblings that had those things. Instead, I got a bare minimum of everything. So, over time, I slowly started to give up on things I could live without. First went the possessions. Then, the need for friends. Then, the need for family. It left me with the one thing I could absolutely, never live without. Now, I have realized I can never have that, either. As irony would have it, I ended up with a lot of really good friends. True friends. My family started caring. I have quite a few nice things, but since I had given up on them, they do not satisfy. I just needed that one thing, and I will never have it. I don’t know what I do wrong. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am just completely screwed up in the head.

I have always had these delusions of true love, where two people would go to any lengths to be together. Where people would be there for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, in the good times and the bad. It was all a massive lie. Only some people feel that, and most of them seem to be incompatible with each other. In any case, I constantly analyze and reanalyze my chances of finding a mate, and they keep getting smaller and smaller. I was a virgin for 26 years, I have only gone all the way one time, and no one really wants to train a 26 year old. On top of that, you add in factors like intellect, which automatically reduces the number drastically, then you take into account my innate weirdness. I am just too odd for people to handle. In fact, I couldn’t believe the strangeness of this guy, but even he rejected me. They all do, in the end. However, for some reason, I seem to be a conduit of happiness for other people. I seem to be able to bring people to me in their time of need and help them, and bring happiness into their lives, but for myself, I am without. I am left alone, and empty. I was born as a leader. It is my job to care for others, and not be cared for myself. It is an unfair life, that was forced upon me by some unseen oppressor, be it genetics, or some divine being. I was cursed to be this honorable, admirable person, that everyone seems to see me as, and yet, to feel wretched and disgusting all the time. I absolutely hate it.

To add to it all, everyone, the whole world, seems to have all these expectations of me. My friends and family need me alive, because my death would cause them pain. And I also have certain obligations to them, that I cannot refuse. Then there is having a job, and money, and paying for a place to live. To add to it all, I watch this disgusting world, full of horrendous morons, who are going to destroy themselves, and all the innocents along with them, because they are selfish, ungrateful, greedy, evil people. I watch as they kill my world. The world I was born into. They consume everything, selfishly. I could try to stop them. Try to save them from themselves, as may be my purpose, to help all men at any cost. But I feel no connection to them. I feel no reason to want their lives to be better. For the suffering they have forced upon me, how could I have mercy, or compassion. And yet, I am always the one that forgives, the one that loves too much, the one sacrifices everything. In the end, it just leaves me without anything.

I often forget that the problem is me. I think, if only all humans could treat me as I treat them, then we could all live harmoniously, but I realize, that I am the common denominator. I am the odd man out. I am the one who is in the wrong. I must change, but I cannot. I just refuse to be like them, and that very fact will cost me my life. I have been torn end from end by these creatures, and yet, I stay true to these core beliefs, so how can they, who have suffered little emotional damage at the hangs of others, not act in the same way? I have gained strength in myself that almost no one can rival, and yet, here we are, and all of it has fallen apart. It has become nothing, and again, I am the wrong one, because if I were so strong, I would hold it together; or so I am told, but every man has a limit. Or am I simply not allowed to have a limit? Am I supposed to remain strong forever, so that the whole world will have someone to torment for their entertainment? Is that my true purpose, to be their tool? To be used, abused, and refused?

I find that my life is poison, that I have no reason for being anymore. I am both suicidal and not, all at once. I have never felt as I feel now, but no one sees that. No one even knows the difference between my many feelings. They only see “happy” or “sad”, they know not the depth, degree, and diversity of my emotions. They do not know the paths of my thoughts, not their composition. They do not see what I see, and go where my mind goes. They will never understand the fullness of my being, especially, when they never try. They find their little answers, and for so long I have tried to apply them, but they solve nothing for me, and my endless complexity. They don’t know even in this instant what thoughts I have. I feel ridiculous writing this. There is no logical purpose for it, but then, the whole point is that my grasp on logic has been rendered unfit to keep me sane. I am quickly losing a grip. I don’t even understand how or why, but it’s happening. In some ways, it is amusing that no one sees how far it has truly gotten. Kind of in the same way that my grandparents hid the severity of their strokes, because they are highly intellectual people. Perhaps I do have the willpower and strength to stop it, because that is the kind of person that I am, but now that I have lost any hope of finding what I need in life, and to me, it most certainly is a need, I don’t have any reason to try to stop it. Let it consume me. Let it infect me, infest me, corrode me. Let it be the thing that tears me end from end, and brings about my final demise. Let this be the thing that kills me, because without that one thing, there is no life for me. Yet another thing that others will never understand about me. It’s something I hardly understand myself, other than that it is a fact. It is not something I arbitrarily chose, but something deep within the core of my being. This is trivial to others who can, on a whim, chose any new thing to pursue, and bring completeness into their lives.

It comes down to a choice. Do I suffer for those around me, and endure the rest of my life in agony and defeat, or do I jump ship, and save myself from so much pain, that the thought of it is unbearable? I am losing all of them now, though. It happens every time, because I can never have what I need, and it gets worse and worse, and each time, it destroys everything that I have, because I can’t stop myself from needing it. The pills, they are like chemical castration, and they make my mind numb and listless. Or perhaps, I could try electroshock, and have my mind corrected with strategical, localized, electrically induced, brain damage. Then, we could always go the long route, and try cognitive therapy. In any case, the thing we are correcting is “me”. I am the aberration. I am what is wrong, but as long as my body remains in tact, it doesn’t seem to matter what happens to my mind. As is the current situation. It doesn’t matter if I suffer, or if I don’t have a life worth living, as long as I am still alive for those around me. Then, I get told to be selfish, like everyone else, and take what I want, but since I can’t control other people, suicide does seem a logical solution. However, that is off limits, for some reason, but everyone else can selfishly demand I stay, no matter my suffering. It is just as unjust as anything else I get to experience. This is just how I am treated. It only makes the wounds deeper, and the afflictions worse.

I appreciate the fact that everyone wants to help, or is thoroughly frustrated with me, and I don’t mean for it to be so frustrating, but the fact is, there is nothing they can do to improve my situation, and if they force me into those “treatments”, they are only destroying me in a different way. I am sorry, but I have tried therapy, and pills, and positive thoughts. It is all bullshit. It just makes a situation where you tolerate the things that happen to you. No matter how hard to fight, no matter what choices you make, you are always subject to the whims of those around you, and you can do nothing to change that. And, I am not the kind of person that can accept living like that, so the idea of being “treated” in a way that just forces me to tolerate the badness of people, is revolting. Well, the reality is, they are right, I am wrong, and I really should be taken from this world, so that I don’t cause any more problems, involve myself in any more lives, and save myself from endless suffering. It really is the logical solution, no matter the differences of opinion.

Suicide is something I have given great thought to over the years. I have conceived of just about every possible way, and researched to insure that the transition goes smoothly. It’s a complicated process, not one those people often appreciate. There is a certain beauty to having the power to end your own life, in your own hands. I have been subjected to so many painful experiences. It is just ridiculous what has happened in my life to bring me to this moment. Every moment, the choice to live, over that of death, just to end up here, staring in a state of utter turmoil at the same choice. Oh sure, one could say we all have that choice every day, but to actually address it daily, that is a far different thing altogether. I was a fool for imagining that my life could take me anywhere better than here. That anyone would care enough to be there for me in my times of need. That anyone would want to love me, and stand by my side. It was a foolish notion, and I have paid dearly for it. Every day I am alive is a punishment for a crime that I am not even aware I have committed. Before me is constantly dangled the thought that this is the end of my problems, but it never is. It keeps going on forever. In fact, those moments seem to be there only to cast me deeper into my suffering.

As the title says, I don’t know what to do. I honestly, even after everything, still love this one boy deeply. I suppose I should say man, but as he has acted “boy” seems more appropriate. I have never felt like this for a human being. I have never thought about a person like this before. To the outside viewer, who is aware of other loves in my past, they may think this is much the same, but the fact is, it is in no way the same. I assure you, whether you believe me or not. The fact that I have to justify or prove things to people makes me feel even more insane, and disgusts me thoroughly. I keep thinking of how, if I really am insane, I really don’t deserve anyone, and I will never find anyone, and even if I did, it would be ruined by my insanity, and so one, until all that is left, is the fact that I should be dead. I don’t really know what makes a person “sane” or “insane”. I question that in myself always. I have always had such a logical construct, but now it has fallen prey to my terrifying thoughts. Everything is being eviscerated in my head. Everything that I was, I am no longer. I always thought I was amazingly strong, and perhaps I am, but without reason, why would I fight? It would be like America throwing a dart at a map of the world, and deciding to go to war with the country it landed on, for no other reason, than to have a war. Without my purpose, I lack the will to overcome all of this. I am honestly more psychologically capable than ever, but without a reason, how could I not want death? I just don’t even know what to do, or why to do it.

I have been picking up extra shifts at work, too. I have been working nonstop to get money, that I neither need, nor care about, because I am just a responsible kind of person, but it is really wearing on me psychologically. It just doesn’t make sense that I work so long and so hard to provide for a future that doesn’t matter. I put so much effort into something that means nothing, and will have no feasible benefit to me. I don’t know why I do. I am thinking about not doing it, but I feel so compelled. I just don’t understand what is even driving me at this very moment. It should be six feet under right now, and very well may, before too long, but I keep going, and I know not why….. I don’t think there is a summary, or some great lesson to be gained from this. I am not even looking for advice, because I have literally heard all of it, a million times, and every single supposed “answer”, makes me cringe, grind my teeth, and restrain a violent outburst. I just don’t want to even hear it anymore. So, it makes this post all the more pointless. Nothing anyone can say will help in any way, nor will it effect whatever choice I end up making, so, who knows why I even write this. Maybe, just in hopes that someone might understand. Do any of you, though? Do you even care? Why would you? I always wonder, why bother on suicidal fucks like me? Why waste your time trying to convince me to live for a life that isn’t worth living? I always feel bad for wasting the time of those who do bother. It is not fair for me to do, but I don’t really know anything. For as brilliant as everyone always tells me I am, as I sometimes feel that I am, I just don’t understand anything. I am but a fool. Ever the fool am I.