Hello. I just finished having a lovely conversation with the girl who I love. Let’s call her Kara, since I don’t want to use her real name. Kara told me that she doesn’t give a fuck about my problems anymore, and to sum it up she thinks I am too depressed. I completely, wholeheartedly agree with that. But I am just so scared that she is going to leave me, sick of all my whining and self pity and hate. I love her so much, she is so perfect, and I am so flawed. But what I don’t love is waking up every morning thinking about talking to her. I don’t love hoping we have a conversation for once in school. I don’t love me getting shy around her. She thinks I hate her because she’s being honest with me. I don’t. I just don’t know what to do. Today, I gave her a gold necklace that meant quite a bit to me. It was my Christmas present to her, as she is going to move about an hour away where she lives now the week that winter break starts. I wanted her to remember me, Â to know that I care. I don’t know why I gave it to her. I feel as if pretty soon from now, she is going to begin hating me for how I treat myself. I’ve actually considered cutting for a bit now, but that would provide too many complications and keep me depressed longer. But really…I don’t know what to do. I think she hates me. I hope not, but I think she does. I am going to try not to tell her about my depression any more from this point on, because I am simply terrified that she will leave me. She knows what depression feels like, so I know she’s not ignorant of how I feel. I just really hate being in love with her. I wish I could explain to you guys how I feel exactly, but words to describe it escape me. I really just want to hold her hand. I already know we will never kiss, and hugs are nothing. I just want to be able to hold her and be held instead of just texting soundlessly, without feeling or touch. I just really, really want to be with her physically. Not sexually. Not over text. I just want to be alone with her and enjoy the momentous peace. But alas, we will never hold hands because I would embarrass her in public. Oh well. I hope you all have a better night than I did.
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Um, a lot of women like a guy to hold hands. I like it, and Im a guy.
I just can’t bring myself to not sabotage my relationships lately. I honestly don’t think most people are good enough for me in the sense that my values don’t align properly with theirs. Many women these days try to manipulate too much for shit they don’t need. I wish they would just be real. Once I see that side of them I despise, I know from that day on I could never really be with them, and honestly it’s not even as simple as that. What I’m trying to say is I have a tough time with women (not my wife) for some of the same reasons. Usually the ones I like to be with are the ones that I open up to and that never works out in the end. Honesty is not the best policy. I don’t think anyone short of a shrink should hear our fucked up stories.
I know this doesn’t help but you really seem like a really nice guy. Also, while it may sound very cliche, you don’t have the problem, she does. She has a guy who adores her right in front of her and she doesn’t see it. I would stop holding yourself so accountable for the way she is behaving. It may never work with her, but I will hazard a guess and say that if you do find another girl in the future, she’ll be lucky to have you.
The thing is, she used to be depressed too, and she knows exactly how I feel. It’s just she is sick of my problems, and I’m scared she’s going to leave me. I care about her so much, I can’t let that happen. I know it’s stupid. But it is how it is.
@JustAGuy314 Actually, she does see me adoring her right in front of her. She just doesn’t care. She fell out of love with me. She says she is just trying not to think about love or anything since she is moving soon, but really, if she loved me, she would make it clear. She doesn’t love me, and she knows I do. It just really sucks because looking at texts from, say, a month or two ago, she used to tell me she loves me, she wants to meet up in college, she would just die if I left her, but all of that is gone. I am a burden to her.