I’m Not So Sure

It seems that more and more often, I question my existence. It’s to the point where I ask myself multiple times a day whether or not I want to keep going. I always find myself wondering if anyone would care if I was gone. Or if they’ll just get over it after awhile, like I never even existed. It’s so frustrating that hardly no one ever takes interest in me. What makes me feel worse is that when someone does want to be around me, I end up avoiding them and push them away. And I regret it every single time. I don’t know what compels me to keep on doing this, but I hate it. I hate that I’m always so down on myself, or how I pretend to be okay when I really just want to let someone know, to tell someone that I hate myself. I hate being alone, even though i waste so many chances not to be.

Some days, I will think of different ways to kill myself, pick the one that would work the best. I’ve lost interest in everything I do. School, sports, hobbies, none of them really matter anymore. I feel that I just want to get rid of it all, hide away somewhere else, start over, forget everything i’ve known. I don’t care about anything that happens. There are so many possibilities and oppurtunities, and I just keep missing all of them, or screwing them up. I want to disappear forever, because nothing much would change if i wasn’t alive.