I’m so addicted

You are the one that pushed me away, yet i still want you? But i also want to hate you.. You knew i was happy, doing just fine with him, and at the bonfire when he wasn’t around you pull me off to the side.. and tell me you miss me and still love me.. You treated me like i was nothing, you ignored me to teach me lessons, you ignored me on my birthday, used me, lied to me.. why in the world did i stay? I ask myself every day why i gave you a second change.. and now you ask for a third chance, telling me you’d only fuck up again.. Why? “I was so afraid i would get a phone call from your mom or dad saying you did this or that” .. You knew i have cutting problems you lied to me, you abandoned me a week after my great grandmother died. You lied and i will never ever be okay. I can’t trust anyone anymore.. I just can’t.. Is that alright to you to just hurt someone like that? I try and try to forget you and what you have done, but.. i just can’t. Your always bothering me in the back of my head. I don’t expect anyone to comment. I just need to vent and get my feelings out. All you ever did was compare me to her. All you do now is drink and drink, you told me you wish you were dead.. This is to hard.. i just don’t know.. i suck at everything in life.. I’m a failure.. I can’t do anything right. I’m failing school because i don’t understand it and no one gets that, i can never keep friends, my sister hates me, so does my half brother, my parents don’t understand a thing.. what is there to do at this point? I’m ready to give up. I’m slowly losing my mind.