This is my first time posting here. I’ve been to this site a lot. I’m not even sure if I should post or if it will help. I don’t think this is a plea for help. Maybe just an outlet for stuff I can’t say to anyone I know.
For about a year now I’ve struggled with self-diagnosed Major Depressive Disorder. And I’m pretty much done. Before July I was coping well enough with it. But immediately after July 27th, after a great week with friends at this church campground in Macon GA, Â things started going downhill. And at the end of August I kinda fell into a black hole. I haven’t felt anything good, or even anything at all for what seems like a long time. Too long. I didn’t want to go to the college I’m in or be training for the field I’m in. But I live with my parents and I don’t have enough money to move out so I don’t have much of a say in that. And it’s not just that but my life seems to be careening out of control and I’m not driving. I think that’s why I cut myself so I feel like I’m in control of something. The thing I feel the most is emotional pain of being alone and hating myself. Everyone says that I’m handsome and a good person and smart and so on but I’m not. They’re just saying those things because they feel socially obligated too. What? Would they tell my I’m ugly and stupid? No one would say the truth cause that’s rude. I just had my 20th birthday and I didn’t feel anything. If I can’t enjoy that, what can I enjoy? I don’t want to be where I am and when I go someplace else I don’t want to be there. I should be so happy, I have parents who give me everything, I have a car, I don’t pay for gas or anything else for that matter. I’ve got a bunch of friends who say they love me, nice clothes, a wonderful house in the country I live in. But I still am depressed beyond anything. I’ve set a date for my suicide in January. Holidays are over and everyone’s schedule is clear. I’m sick of pretending I’m happy, it’s the worst feeling ever. I just want to escape my life. Friends who don’t really know me, but say they love me. A future that looks increasingly bleak and empty. The fact that life is only pain and the good parts that happen so few times are what makes it worth living. But those good times don’t come anymore. I don’t want medicine that will change who I am. I don’t want religion, I’ve already tried it. I just want to leave.
4 comments
I’ve been posting on here for awhile now, and to be honest, not much has changed. It is good to know that I am not the only person in the world who feels as I do, but at the same time, what is there really to expect? If medication cannot make my life better, then it seems like people cannot fix it either, including me.
I have recently had my eighteenth birthday and felt nothing, but that was normal for me, because I never feel anything on my birthdays. You also said that your friends do not know the real you, and I can relate to you there as well. I am always joking around my friends to try to cover up my misery. I do not want people to think of me as a downer, but I am just a depressing person.
Perhaps, however, if you do have some desire to live, you should try medication. It can help you feel better, but my medications have only helped me so much.
I really don’t know what else to say right now, other than I can relate in some ways.
It’s just rediculously to see with how many we really are trying to find a way out on this site, others trying to find a way out by drugs, or by drawing, by selfharm and so on… and still… look at us just rebellion in ourselves but we don’t come out anymore, we are shut down by society, who’s getting a hand over all of the community, a wrong hand. Just so pissed right now, this very second. It’s rediculous, I’m sick of telling myself that it is me, that I’m the problem and so on, while reading that everyone then probably is the problem, while a lot of us are just having trouble with the system. I read it in yours to: I just want to escape my life/ I don’t have much of a say in that. And it’s not just that but my life seems to be careening out of control and I’m not driving. I think that’s why I cut myself so I feel like I’m in control of something. The thing I feel the most is emotional pain of being alone and hating myself. Look at us, damn it makes me mad, we are all in a world that gets us so frustrated with al the norms and the rules and the values, we don’t even want to live in it anymore. We have nothing to say anymore, nothing to control. It just went that far in Antwerp that a guy of 45 who has a mental age of 8 was playing flute at the sea because he was happy (not even for money) and got a GAS-fine of 5O euros. Just because he was playing flute, because he was happy.
I’m also 20 and didn’t enjoy let alone want to celebrate my birthday. My psych and other people have told me I am good looking, but I too can’t see it. I am in university and have just completed my 2nd year somehow. I wanted to leave and whilst I still feel lost, I am going to throw everything I have left into the tank at 2014, and if that means I fall into a psychological black hole so be it. Guess you gotta risk it for the biscuit as they say lol, after all there is a chance that things may get better for me, and maybe for you to?
You remind me of someone, Clay, a character from a book, Less Than Zero.
You are depressed because you have nothing to look forward to in life, your parents buy you everything you want, so you have nothing to look forward to. Just like me sort of…